Mogpog Andaluz

Rio

2012-01-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

A Fire Dragon born in the middle of December as a Sagittarian, there was one
common thread about her: Passion. She has tried over the years to change the way
she views the world, the breathing of her chest and the tears in her voice, so
when someone appeared to her at the same lounge who stood up to open his mouth
into the microphone with such reverence to pain; her heart panicked.

'You took my heart,
Then played the part of little coquette.
And, all my dreams just disappeared
Like the smoke from a cigarette.'

"Hijo de Pu..," she thought. He has tears in his voice. It must have been a couple
of minutes before she regained consciousness because when she did, there was
someone else up there singing. In fact, there was already a suitor standing in
front of her who snapped her out of reverie.

" Madamoiselle, cherche pour vous," a silver haired gentleman with a crooked smile
stood in front of her. Usually men approach her with a drink at hand.

" Merci monsieur." These Québécois men are sweet like dulce de leche. They know
she likes her Malbec from Mendoza, but this time she avoided them and their glasses
as she didn't want to show him the fire inside her skin. For the first time in over
a year, she had to suppress her heat. And for the first time in almost 3 years,
she, yes she was the one who approached this young creature with the voice who cries
inside.

"Eau," he whispered almost inaudible when she asked what he calls himself. This is
gonna be fun, almost a cliche really.

"I am in the city Thursdays and I head back to New York on Sundays until February.
Maybe I'll see you here again." She walked away, her calves starting to shake with
fear that the fire inside here breath might burn his face. She walked as gracefully
as possible to the microphone to perform her set.

'Ooh, I gotta see you somehow
Not tomorrow, but right now
I know it's late, but honey don't make me wait
So come on, baby, steal away
Oh let's steal away.'

He watched all the way from the back in the dark, his eyes soft like Río de la Plata.
She made a point to avoid his gaze but the fire inside her lips and the agony in
her voice landed on him like a tumultuous eruption of heat.

Takot: Sa Umaga

2012-01-19T16:04:00.000-08:00

:25 am. The home is like Ermita without the cousin farting in the morning. In fact
he doesn't have to share the room with anyone else. In fact, he doesn't have to
share the cottage with anyone else; not Lola nor Tita Zee with the 3 kids (now 8);
the twin sisters in the next room; the occasional employees of his father who have
nowhere else to stay; and Tatay who stops by now and again. The only people at his
home nowadays are those he conjures up in the backyard by the Banyan Tree, and the
occasional stray possum, squirrel, ferret and midnight that stops by. Birds wake up
early here which means so does he, unlike the roosters from way back that peck on
the windowsill of his youth which he always found odd living in a big city. It would
be common in Sumangga but not in a place where the squatters will easily
take a stray chicken and make Adobo out of it.

7:37 am. Steam is always good for the skin because it gently takes you from
nocturnal reality to the morning. The knob is most likely than not turned all the
way left; scalding hot. Once the first drop of the shower touches the pore of the
body, it will slowly awaken. He is very aware not to jump in all the way because
you should not try to awaken all at once; the remnants of the night might get
annoyed and strip you away of proper dormancy.

9:17 am. They get to be dead today. Lying down, they conjure up those who have
passed on. Through his guidance, they bring them back for the next hour and fifty
minutes. When Lola touched his shoulder a few weeks ago, he was taken aback because
it's been a long while since someone he knows stopped by, lest kiss his forehead.
He made sure that no one from his side will visit today:

Aba ginoong Maria Napupuno ka ng grasya

thus his attention is fully for the people who get to be dead. He turns Pandora on
and chooses the station: Solitude. The students are lying down preparing themselves
to become re-acquainted with the dead before they inhabit the form. It's the 4th
session therefore they know the drill.

10:08. When the visitors arrive you can immediately sense they're presence; which is
not at all startling. In fact it's very calm, serene like sunset in November. Once
they find their counterparts whether it be a daughter, niece, lover, cousin or friend;
the students' bodies begin to twitch. Although not tangible, it's quite a sight to
see.

12:02. It's been awhile since clients seek him for procurement. In the past 3 years,
he has become accustomed to a specific group of organizations who acquire for his
emotions; so it's always nerve wrecking when he has to go in front of a new group
and convince them that what he has is THE best in the market. There are others vying
for the job. It's a good thing that he is selling fear today, because at this moment,
it has already filled up his body like Paksiw. This is the 2nd interview, therefore
the CEO of the Company along with the Marketing Director, VP and possible assistants
sit in the back to witness horror.

logic

2012-01-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Logic: the formal systematic study of the principles of valid inference and correct reasoning, thus this is the logical meaning of logic. Ideas that can be supported by data and source are known to be logical ways of thinking.
For instance:

opening the door for someone
tying shoelaces
wearing the same coloured socks
saying excuse me when you burp
going to work when you're supposed to be there
paying for dinner when another paid for the movie

Now, when faced with a person who only abides by the logical ways of life; it becomes an ordeal when behavioral aspects of being are lacking. for instance;

laughter

It's hard when someone is unable to show expressions of joy especially when the other party lives and seeks it out for a way of life. See, it's hard enough to make people happy, so it becomes painful when someone is unable express it whatsoever. But here lies the rub; if someone is unable to show expression, emotion or empathy, does it mean then that the other will not show any semblance of anger, fear or sadness?

kaya nung pumasok yung bago niyang kliente sa kanyang opisina na walang anumang karamdaman, nalito siya at parang nabigo dahilan ito ang unang taong nakilala niya na hindi marunong tumawa.

900 seconds

2012-01-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

"You're crazy," she whispered, her arms wrapped around his chest in bed.

"The pot calling the kettle black," he replied.

I just hide it better, she thought to herself making sure he didn't hear what she thought. He twitched instead.

Throughout the night, they lie in bed entangled like branches dancing in Bellingham. For some reason when she's with him everything slows down, maybe because her touch on his bare skin makes him twitch.

"Electric shock," he giggles then the body subsides.

The fact that he's leaving for the other side, where the leaves fall in colour, is a constant reminder for her to soften smile. This way, she can hold every moment with him and not look forward into the future because there are days when the future seems so glum, so dark and gray like today's weather forecast.

When they're together, everything IS present; it's now; there's no other way but be inside this moment. She's learned this concept from all the self-help training she's mastered; The New Earth, Kabbalah, Landmark, Wayne Dyer, The Secret, every
12 step-program imaginable, and more she refuses to remember.

It all comes down to this: Presence. Forget what happens when he walks out that door when the trail of musk and bubble gum goes with him.

"I should go." #1. Not to fret, she's gonna propose 5 more minutes 3 more times which means an additional 900 seconds.

Tears in your voice

2012-01-09T21:50:00.000-08:00

" There's tears in your voice," he said as he walked away and closed the door behind him. They met that night and bought her a couple of Merlots.

"from Mendoza," she requested. It reminds her of home, the timbre of the wine, the odour, the body. It's been a couple of years since she's gone back but the taste brings her back to summer vacations when her mother would always allow her to have a glass for dinner at 10 pm.

She picks them while she is still singing. The song was " When doves cry," when she saw his Ginger goatee, and knew by the way he was getting intoxicated by her voice that he was tonight's sleeping pill.

"I'm from Cardiff and just visiting Edinburgh for the night," he says to her like a boy lost in a club.

"and I'm from Buenos Aires who did get lost here in the castle dome rock," she smiles. A different city, a different man. He's her type; goofy and cute at the same time.

"Gareth."

"Carolina."

Beautiful. Deal sealed. Usually, when they offer their name in a platter of compliments to her, she knows she's gonna have a good night sleep.
Sleep decided to stay home when she left, she tried to look for it in her luggage and carry on bag, even her make-up kit but sleep was nowhere to be found. She realized not any time sooner that she would have to borrow others people's in order to get 5 hrs. of euphoria . Yes, she's tried Ambien and Benadryl but none worked.

Sleep with me tonight. It wasn't necessary to say out loud. A look will do. By the time " Shape of my heart was over," she knew, he knew where this was heading.

"There's tears in your voice," he said after that song and just right before they walked off, of course he had to pretend he left first and she, on the other hand, had to bid adieu or ciao or notte to the audience.

Flamenco

2012-01-08T22:45:00.000-08:00

1,868. That's the amount of people here based on the 2000 Census, now it's 1,818.
Desolate, quiet, almost eerily peaceful, maybe 50 of those people left for that
reason; maybe 2 or 3 died, who knows. All we know is that at night, around
7pm when the ferry has gone, all you can hear are the songs that people sing at
the church.

He stayed at a small two floor inn at Ensenada Honda, where an overnight stay
turned into two because of water although the water here is nothing compared
to the beach a mile or two down the road. The owner, a Nuyorican from the Bronx
with a raspy voice is used to people like him,

"I don't miss the trains nor the rats in New York, but I do miss all the bums.
There is a Chinese restaurant in town, don't go there unless you want to have
nightmares."

She offered him the room that overlooks the bay. It was a small efficiency with a
stove and a mini-fridge. No need to cook here.

"In the morning people go by the dock and see the day visitors coming in from
Fajardo. It's a sight to see; the tackiness of tourists and the simplicity of
townsfolk." She's right, by 830am you can see the ferry arriving and a whole flock
of people opening up theirs stores and sitting on the benches that overlook the
Carribean. He couldn't but help to look the other way.

"Vieques NiÃ±o," an older woman with a crooked smile but genuine heart told him.
Vieques, the other and bigger of the two islands. Once the ferry docks, the
small island starts to come alive; parents screaming after their kids, couples
yelling at each other, and the oohs and aahs of tourists who have never been in a
small island before. You can almost see the excitement in their eyes for taking
such a risk.

A small 12 seat shuttle awaits to head over Playa Flamenco. He had heard about it
fromÂ someone while going underneath the Camuy Caves 3 days prior.
" You can see your reflection swim ahead of you in the water."

"Aqui estamos," the driver says as he parks on a dirt road. Some ran out, parents
yelling after their kids, tourists gasping and taking pictures. We're not even at
the beach yet and that's just a banana shack you're taking a picture off, he
thought to himself. He walks on.
Then the ground turned white like crystals on your feet, and the lullaby of the
Caribbean summoned him towards the water. The freshness of the air was something
to get used to, something to get acclimated to, but after awhile, it's breathing in
Hibiscus.
Looking out, one wonders if Genesis took place here; where the blue Sky, the green
ocean and the white land meet to create. He walks into the water and saw his feet
clear as glass. After a few minutes of being there, he realizes that he is no
longer thinking. His mind dissipated and his body became alive. He saw it go down
into the ocean and saw himself immersed in the water. And like a mirror beneath his
floating body, his own reflection appeared. He smiled, waved, laughed bubbles then
swam off into the horizon.

815 Butterfly Street, Fin

2012-01-07T20:45:00.001-08:00

Does pain taste like spoiled Étouffée?
Will anger stop singing nine inch nails inside his ears'
"Piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy."
Please tell anguish to stop knocking at my door, stop knocking at my door. Thoughts are running wild inside his head in the darkness of his bedroom.

Why did he lie to the landlord. They're not together, they never were. Yes, maybe they messed around in drunken stupors but that's not him. That's something else, maybe Longing just stopping by to get some milk. Not him.

"Ouvre la porte Pierre. S'il vous plait. Ma Cherie. Pierre. S'il vous plait. S'il vous plait. Pierre."

"Justice. Let me sleep. Early day tomorrow. S'il vous plait."

Une, Deux, Trois. The doorknob turns, and slightly opens.

Merde, he thought she would forget that the bedroom door doesn't lock.

"Are you awake?" she asks knowing exactly that it doesn't matter whether he is asleep, in the shower, taking a shit whatnot. She will talk.

"I know you're awake. Please talk with me. Please?"

"tomorrow, lets' talk. I have to be up in a few hours."

12:17 am.

"Oh Pierre, you never have time for me anymore. Joy's gone, why do still not come home? I want you home."

"Because I work late."

"Bullshit."

She's right. He's been going everywhere in the city after work except home. He drives by the apartment first and looks up to see if the lights are lit. If they are, he drives off and finds somewhere else to wait until she's asleep. Anywhere; Vons, The Library, the Half-off movie theater, and he just sits there. Sits. Who would have thought he would be able to sit still.

"I'm not leaving until you listen to me." She slowly sits down just by the edge of his bedroom.

"Please let me get some sleep Justice." He is now squirming in his bed.

"Non, ........" The rest was gibberish. He couldn't make out what she was saying, just certain words.

" was hpioj jpioujp Just nlipi dickhead ib,z'lwkjpi not like you ..loihoho."

"Stop."

" I won't stop UNTIL YOU LISTEN A MOI, don't be an asshole like..."

"Stop."

" You're just like them...like all of them, I should've told Joy."

"STOP FUCKING TALKING LET ME SLEEP!"

"Non."

"FUCK, GET OUT!" He realized at this point that he is now standing bent over towards her in his underwear. Unknowingly. She stands up squares him, Gin sweat all over her collarbone and cheeks then walks out. He takes a deep breathe, wipes his face with his shaking left hand, closes the door and goes back to bed.

Not even a few minutes have passed.

"Cherie? Can I come in S'il vous plait. I just need to talk."

He's not gonna say a word, maybe she'll go to bed.

Une Deux Trois. The doorknob turns. She is saying something, unintelligible and sits by the foot of his bed and touches his left foot.

"I know you don't love me Pierre, but if..."

"Stop. Let's talk tomorrow ok. This is not you, it's the liquor talking." He just wants to sleep and will say anything to get her out of his room.

"Just listen to me," in a slur she begs.

"Don't be such a fucking asshole." She now has her hand on his body pushing him and saying those words at the same time.

"Don't be such a fucking asshole Pierre, Je t'aime. Why can't you fucking love me."

"Get out."

"No, I won't get out. This is my place, I won't get out. Just love me. Why can't you love me."

"please. get out."

"Non."

" I need my sleep."

" You can sleep when I'm done talking."

"GET OUT CASSE TOI GET OUT!" Before you know it, he had pushed her off his bed, grabbed her by the hair with his right hand and her shoulders with his left and threw her from wall to wall and finally kicked her out of his bedroom.

"MERDEEEEEE! If I see ya mothah fucking face here evah agin...."

STOP. Who said that? Did he just say that? He just said the same exact words but stopped himself. He looked down, almost naked with Justice outside his door whimpering and muttering

"..just try...just try...just try."

Try? There's no way he could just try after what just happened. He couldn't just try after this unconscious state of being. He couldn't just try after hearing his
step-father through HIS own voice.

Courir. Run. You have to run. This place is no longer safe. Come to think of it, it never was. Come to think of it, he's been unconscious for the past 6 months here at 815 Butterfly Street.

815 Butterfly Street = Trois

2012-01-07T17:30:00.000-08:00

815 Butterfly street.

As he walked up the stairs of his hard wood walled apartment, he could hear voices on the patio, laughter and liquor, on the ledge, you can see a hand: callused and veins crawling like moon lizards and a cigarette; American Spirit Menthol.

"Putain."

Laughter and liquor.

" As long as you keep sober," he recalled while signing that contract. He was just gonna go straight to his bedroom. He had gone to some meeting where people cry and are nice to each other and he found himself not so anxious after wards. It had also been a week since Joy decided to come down on him like a hawk with red talons scratching his left arm and neck.

"You said you loved me asshole!" She kept yelling as she tried to inflict as much to him vocally, physically and emotionally.

"Mon ami! Comsi," Justice beckoned to him from the screen door patio.

" Ça Va?"

"Bien," he replied half forcibly smiling.

" Ah, I'm being rude, you know Justo, oui?"

She was being coy, eyes aglaze like no one there, someone else inside, like a demon or a whore. Of course he knows the guy in the patio, the three of them have hung out the past 3 years, sneaking into buildings, listening to "Music for the Masses," and going to the rooftop looking down at the city until the Moon fell asleep.

"Pierre," a nod. they both smile at each other.

" Well, I should be going. It's getting late." It's 9:15pm.

"Fucking Liar," she blurted out like a hiccup.

"Justice, I have an early day tomorrow." She's right, he's lying. He stand up, flicks the menthol cigarette and gives her a kiss in the forehead but she in turn slides her head up to face until her Bombay Sapphire lips meets his nicotine breathe.

"Night Justo," he turns and as he walks away she starts yelling.

" I'm gonna fucking jump, I'm gonna jump."

Merde, he thought. He was having the best day and this! Really. Besides, if she does jump, she'll probably just break a few bones, it's just the second floor.

"Justice, chill." They make out. She calms down. He leaves.

Finally, he can get some sleep, or so he thought.

815 Butterfly Street: Deux

2012-01-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

815 Butterfly street.

As he walked up the stairs of his hard wood walled apartment, the door was ajar, all the lights lit and water running in the kitchen sink. Where's Justice?

"Putain."

On their Record Player/Radio Cabinet, Nina was singing " Feeling Good." He walked slowly into the apartment...just in case somebody broke in. It's just a little past 11, it's not that late.

This was a mistake, this was a mistake from the very beginning. Half a year ago, they moved in here together. She had been living at his studio apartment on Bronson for
3 months and the space between them was tightening, it was becoming hard to breath, and she always kept everything on, so he was always burning himself because he thought they were off.

"As long as your sober, we'll be fine," he told her as they signed the year lease for Mr. and Mrs. Wong.

"Oui," she said with childlike innocence. Don't be fooled. She is a master manipulator. He had a soft heart for her because both of them lost their mother at a young age and she grew up in Saint Landry parish, which is a town over where he ran away from as a child. She on the other hand didn't run away though, she was abducted.

"Justice? Justice?"

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Nina, he thought. On the contrary. On the contrary.

He stopped the music. You can hear the water running and the bathroom ventilation moaning. He turned the water off, and then heard the whistling of the January wind, probably from Santa Ana. He turned towards the patio and saw the screen and the sliding door was wide open.

"Putain." Someone could have stolen everything in the house he thought as he slid the screen door then the sliding glass door shut. She must have left hurriedly harried. He turned the light out in the kitchen. Locked all the doors and decided to go to bed after using the bathroom.

"I'll turn off the lights and the vent after I use it," he muttered to himself as he unzipped his pants ready to pee.

"Fuck." A jolt, a yelp, a jerk.

There she was seated on the toilet face down and half the body folded over, the left arm on the sink with cold water still running and her panties by the ankles. He turned off the ventilation. It smelled like Bombay Sapphire.

"Justice? Justice?" She was passed out. He checked her pulse, she's not dead. Great.
He grabbed her panties and slid it to her waist balancing as he straightened her up by her armpits into standing.

"Mon Dieu," she muttered then burped.

"Mon Dieu," he repeated shaking his head as he carried her to her bedroom and made sure she was completely comfortable, covered up to her chest with the down blanket he bought for her birthday. Now He can go to sleep, but he still had to pee.

His pants were still unzipped. He got to the toilet, and as he started, he looked down and saw that right before she passed out, she forgot to flush the feces she left behind, just like the vent, the faucet, the patio doors, the recorder, all the lights and the door ajar.

"Merde."

815 Butterfly Street - Une

2012-01-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

815 Butterfly street.

As he walked up the stairs of his hard wood walled apartment, the door was ajar, all the lights lit and water running in the kitchen sink. Where's Justice?

"Putain."

He had just run away from a friend's house. Well, not really a friend but Joy's friend where they all hang out and smoke. A bowl, a hit, a joint, the occasional line especially today when her closest friend Carolina was in town for a performance at Catalina Bar and Grill. It's been a week since they broke up but since Carolina was here, they have all been spending time together during the past 3 days.

The first night was at one of those places he can't stand where the entrees are a morsel but the drinks are rubbing alcohol.

"Isn't he so cute? Look at him, so cute? I call him Cinnamon skin," she kept whispering to her childhood friend unaware that Pierre has a very keen sense of hearing which he learned from his dog Hummus. She kept on complementing him as the group sat together just in front of a DJ playing House Music.

The 2nd night they went to see a movie at the Nuart, some art-house flick which he could not stand. Little Dialogue, Black and White. Joy sat 4 seats away from him arm and arm with Carolina and his boyfriend, who actually lives in town as a Gaming consultant. 4 fucking seats away from him. The whole night, there were no words exchanged between them. She didn't even look at him at all.

The last night, they were at her friend's house, smoking: a bowl, a hit, a joint. It started out pretty well actually. Joy seemed so Happy right now, laughing and even being very flirtatious with him.

"Oh Cinnamon Skin," she whispered to his eyes completely high.

He almost wanted to take back breaking up with her over the phone.

"Bae, we can just be friends. You're leaving in a few months anyway, we can just start our transition into friendship."

That was a week ago. 7 days, 13 hours, 33 minutes, 12.5 seconds. Then he heard it.

"His dick smells." Silence.
Out of nowhere Joy decided to take back the night and give him a sucker fucking punch. Everyone pretended not to hear what she said.

"Y'all heard me, HIS DICK SMELLS..curds of cheese.
They smell like curds of cheese, dhioanlGjahldjpqwmASSFuckn;ljaepaecn laeie."

Silence.

" OH, let me play some Jason Mraz," the boyfriend who always diffused the situation when it got testy said, which was alot within those 5 months they were together. Carolina took Joy by the arm who is still yelling but also laughing at this point and walked outside the patio.

French Slip. Time to go he thought, and ran away from there.
Courir. If there's anything he IS good at...it's running away.

815 Butterfly Street. And now this?

"Putain."

Forest

2012-01-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

"Don't let the past hold you captive," he tells his students seeking to find a way to sell emotions for a living.

"Feelings are fleeting, they're like water that flow or sometimes will get stuck inside your collar, but rest assured if they don't drip, they will dry up."

Up until the 7th session the students refuse to believe him, but it is during this session, where they have lied down on the floor then stood up and drifted off and floated into the forest of their past that they start to understand the power to utilize it in selling emotions for a living.

" He makes us cry," the one from Lafayette says but he just laughs it off.

"I've never said, today you will cry," he laughs it off and leads them into the darkness of the room.

Little do they know that he too goes there. If he is able to instruct selling sadness for a living, or make Laughter re-appear into their lives, he too has to expereince it, doesn't he?

This morning, as many mornings in the past, after Bustelo coffee and Cinnamon and Spice Oatmeal, he needed to run to the forest and experience it all over again because yesterday when he was conducting this experience with Group B, all of sudden, someone tapped his right shoulder not realizing that someone in his past would join them in this experience, it took him a few moments to get himself together as feelings started to hover around his students. Laughter was starting to appear in someones lips; Sadness was dripping in another's eyes; Anger even took hold of someone out of the room.

So around 843 am, he got himself up, hoodie over his head and the sounds that conjure feelings, if he is to teach people how to sell it for a living, well he himself has to also sell it. It's field work. He got outside, shorts, Vibram shoes, earphones on.

Trees...Korean Church...Cross...Gardeners...Cyclists...Stop sign.

moment to breath.

Trees...runner...clouds...bird.

A bird in flight alone.

Then he gets there. His forest. It was sudden, like water.

"Feelings are fleeting."

One of the three appeared, he turns and asks,

"Bakit nagpakita ka sa'kin kahapon?"

"Aba, paano mo tuturuan ang mga taong makaramdam, kung hindi ka rumaramdam?"

"Oo nga po, pasensya na lang, napatigil po kasi ako nung nilagay nyo ang inyong kamay sa'king balikat."

"Apo, huwag kalimutan na lagi akong naririto, kung pinapakita mo sa mga tao ang gubat, kailangan mo ring pumunta roon"

"Opo," and he smiled, as water decided to drip down his cheeks.

Feelings are fleeting, he thought to himself but today Lola stopped by for a visit in the forest.

HAPA ADAI

2012-01-02T22:14:00.001-08:00

Bitch, I didn't take your laughter. Don't be so mother-fucking dramatic. It's not
attractive! I swear, if you didn't have a Vaginer, I'd say you were a gay man,
which would be disastrous as you are already a HAPA in both minorities, getting both
worst characteristic traits; Passive Chinese and Aggresive Latina.
A+B = Passive Aggressive and to make matters worse, you go both ways. EFA, my drag
queen friend, yes there are many, that Chamorro one would say:

"Ey Gir, Efa Adai, Good Evening," then sashay away with your jet black wavy hair
to the waist like a good Pacific Islander.
Where's I? Pietra, don't be telling lies about your laughter eloping with me. Bitch,
I wasn't laughing, I was scurred straight girrl for that last 15 minutes. Yes, I
thought about dying, but when that Diva came knocking at my door in stilletos and
a long burgundy hooded cape, I's like: Shit Ms D., I didn't mean all dum thoughts!
Ey girl, just fucking with you!
No it wasn't laughter with me, it was my ass driving straight away to the hospital
at 3pm in the afternoon. Not even Pau Hana time. I had two frozen fucking turkeys
in the back seat thawing because one had to go to San Diego and the other at your
house. There were 4 cases of Diet Cokes and my rice cooker.
It wasn't laughter, it was straight up panic!
It had to take a few adjusting and getting used to leave my fat ass mind you, and
doll, of course I was there during the ceremony and yes I looked great with
Tinkerbell on my hands, Havaneros slippers and my beautiful lei. I got Lei'd. Efa.
Dragon year Pietra. Your year. Don't fuck it up by being a melodramatic Bi-Minority
Hapa,Â Bisexual chick from Alhambra.

Please return

2012-01-02T21:23:00.000-08:00

My laughter joined you when you died. It died with you. I tried to find it; form strangers on the alleyways, children in the playground, watching as much Stand Up Comedy at the IMPROV, but to no avail. You took it with you a week of Thanksgiving, 2010.

I spent the whole of last year looking for it, underneath my bed, swimming in the ocean, even went to Seward, but there was only fog and rain, and expensive fish n chips. Maybe it was because I had Death as my ally, my compatriot, my closest friend all year long. 11 is supposed to be my lucky number or maybe Laughter just doesn't like being around Death whatsoever. I mean, have you ever heard of people laughing at a funeral. I did, an uncomfortable one because I had to arrange yours with everyone there that December, which was kind of fucked up because December is supposed to be my birth month but instead had to spend the whole month planning your flowers, your family, and all those who wanted to feel important because you were gone even if they haven't talked to you in years or if they did, it was behind your back and salty like seaweed.

I've even forgotten how it looks like, I only remember when you did it, which was more often than not; at the Bonaventure, Ruen Pair, the beach even the Prop. 8 rally.
It was everywhere, and now I go back to the same spot, even the exact time of day when we ate, but someone else shows up: Tears. Fucking tears visits me so much; when I run, listening to someone, watching a movie and even on a date. Word of advise, nobody wants to bring Tears with you on a first date. They want you to bring Laughter; fictionalized as it may seem, it's still better than bringing Tears. That's just depressing, unless you go with someone who brings their own Tears with them. But who wants that?

So, I know you're there, listen to me. It's a new year, it's 2012, dragon year. I should at least have an ounce of laughter sometime during this year. I'll take it one dose at a time; maybe on Valentine's or Memorial Day but definitely Christmas. I'd like Laughter there with me this Christmas. Bring Snow too if you like. There's nothing like Snow and Laughter in Los Angeles where people can just be so cold with Tears on a leash with them at the grocery store.

5

2011-12-27T06:37:00.000-08:00

After nearly 20 years of marriage, it was about time to tell her husband the truth. She's stayed one no matter what came their way; from her mother-in-law moving in with them after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's to taking care of the elderly at a nursing home; to the loss of her own mother. It seems that no matter what she does, time and age is constantly closer than she realizes. So, on her birthday she decided to tell him.

A: B (short for baby), thanks for the Michael Kors bag. I know it's the 5th one you got me this year. One for New Year's, Easter , Memorial Day, Veteran's and Halloween.

He grunts nodding his head in acknowledgement.

A: It's gonna be our 20th in 2012, and I'm just so excited to still be here with you.

Another grunt. This is actually a momentous occasion as she has not lasted for more being a spouse to one man at any moment in time.
Well, she was married to #1 in Quebec City where she is from but then married #2 while in Paris 2 years later. She was there for 7 years, moved to New Orleans where she met number #3 to become a citizen and really did become a good wife. Up until then, Aurora did not believe in divorces because she is a good Roman Catholic. Up until number #3 who found it necessary to hit her whenever she forgot to wash the dishes or mix colors with whites in the laundry. After being in knocked unconscious the 3rd time and found by her doorstep in Metarie by the 10 yr. old neighbor, she realized that maybe the Virgin might just forrgive her if she left him until the lawyer delvers the papers.

In all honesty, she stopped believing in marriages up until she met #4 who was in the Navy Seals, had a heart of gold and never says too much but grunts instead.

A: I have to tell you something very important that I have been hiding for awhile now.

Silence.

A: and since it's gonna be our 20th in 2012, I think you should know.

No grunt, just silence.

A: and if we continue on, I have to tell you the truth.

He looked at her, eyes selling up.

A: I'm not really who you think I

He kne it. This was too good to be true. Bags doesn't make a woman happy. He should've said more instead of grunting. It's too late now. Here it's, here she goes, she's gonna spill it and tell him she's been married to someone else all along, that there's been a #5 for years!

A: We're the same age.

He's gonna have a heart attack, she's gonna leave him. 19 years, 2 beautiful boys and she's been married to someone else. Wait. Did she say they're the same age.

A: B, did you hear me?

What is she talking about, he's 5 years, 3 months and 2 days older than her? The same age?

A: When I moved to the country, I changed my age.

Grunt .

B: You mean you're not leaving me.

Leaving him, she thought. Has he gone crazy? She's taking care of his mother and he buys her bags. Why would she leave him.

B: You mean there's no one else? No #5.

Silence. Then laughter. First her then him.

A: The only #5 I have is Chanel.

¿Maypitaq ukyana unuta tarerquyman?

2011-12-26T04:47:00.000-08:00

After four hours of chewing Coca the lungs have opened up and he is scurrying
upwards on the path at 12,000 ft. altitude. There is no need to take those
pills, white people like those pills or any kind of pills for that matter.
Yes, he likes to uses that term regardless if his great grandpa is from
Middleton, OH whose hue is light as snow.

"Despacio Lobo!" bellows Mario who's pretty much had it on the 3rd day in the
Trail. Of course the guide, for insurance purposes is just worried that if
something happens, he will be held responsible. The spirits will not like that
one bit, especially that they know they're amidst one of their own. High on grass
and wearing just a vest at this point, there was no fear inside his body from the ledge that drops down about...I don't know, maybe 5,000 ft. No te preocupes, is
that right? Wait, they don't even speak Spanish here.

"¿Maypitaq ukyana unuta tarerquyman?"

Where can I find water to drink? Well, that phrase will get you far but after
awhile, you need to learn other phrases, especially when good clean water is
Cuzco gold.

This morning there was a rustling outside of his tent. Lars, his tent mate was
still whistling in his sleep so he decided to see what was up. As he unzipped
his plastic doorway, a shadow slowly appeared and caught him off guard. He
almost shrieked like the Kiwi in their group, but saw that that it was a gentler
sight. A llama, yes you heard right. A llama the color of mud came up towards him
and left a little sigh then nuzzled in his arms for a brief moment.

"Ruiro siki," it whispered into his left ear then scurried upwards to a hill
where a herd of other llamas stared down.

de primera clase

2011-12-25T13:10:00.001-08:00

220 miles west of destination. first class, 6 ppl total. Reclining almost all the
way flat. 2 glasses of wine. She asked for Shiraz, they gave her Cabernet. Calmase.
1 cup of nuts. Chicken Cobb salad. Stale pita and hummus on a broken plastic case,
she knew someone whose dog was named Hummus. A plate of warm sugar cookie.
She has no interest in watching what's on screen, so the only other option is to
listen to the radio station. Number 2. Jazz.

It's a long way home from La Boca nor did she realize that her voice was worth
anything lest be flown to different parts of the world singing. Torch songs, yes.
They've compared her to the Buika, Mariza, Lhasa, Allyon, Evora, Lumpur and Simone
of Argentine pain. Wait a second, the left side of her lip just slid upwards.
They're playing her Spanish rendition of Strange Fruit. Not as critically acclaimed
as other performers' but this rendition of the does hauntingly please her, it's
reminiscent of where she comes from...welfare.

After the crash of Millennium, there were two things that the poor thought about.
One, how everyone will soon experience what it's like to work for bringing home
some Pollo Milanesa on the table and two; how the poor will find new lows in their
begging. She recalls that this was when she started singing on the streets of
Casa Rosada, well not exactly because they would have kicked her out. No, just a
few blocks away from the Havana store where she would try Alfajores samples knowing
that it might be the only meal she will have that day. Ella es una fruta extrana.

"Voy a cantar para ti si puedo usarlo," pointing towards the baño as she
smiled at the flight attendant who had no problem returning the flirtation. He let
her through of course, even if the seat belt sign was on, and all throughout the
flight, he would pass by and say,
"Espero por tu cancion." She actually thought about it.

" Please turn off all electronic devices as we prepare for our descent."
As she reached up to get her carry on, another hand took hold of her bag and
smiled as he handed it to her. The Flight attendant was just doing his job and
being flirtatious at the same time.

"Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas," and giggled and sang for him as she
walked away.

Maison

2011-12-23T21:37:00.000-08:00

Comsi. House. There ain't nothing like it, it's crack for the soul, it summons the
dead and brings back Orishas, Shamans, Santeros and Curanderas. Changgo talkin to him
tonight like he never has before.
It still slips out now and thien, ma cherie, but he picks up fast; from city to
town to village to barrio to ghetto. He, a good listener ever since he was a young
toddlah.
"Bonjou!" was the first word he learned, not mama not papa, well it;d be weird to
say papa when there weren't none present until late, but y'all do know what
happened thea'

â€œ MERDEEEEEE! If I see ya mothah fucking face here evah aginâ€™.." Ces't Bon, no
need to continue, ya know the rest, oui?

His feet callused now like sandstone tread onÂ from the gravel; the railroad;
the sand and the grass to here; an abandoned church where pews have become a
a place to play not pray. So here he is inside the soul of House Music, moving
every particle of his body. It's really the closest activity comparable to courier,
where he can completely feel everything and be devoid of all things.
No, no drugs, alcohol nor even sex can gratify when he is in constant motion
especially when the endorphins have come undone. It don't matter if he ran to a
place named after a city he has no desire to run to, but here where the House is
King and Queen alike; where degenerates regenerate; where men buy breasts
for themselves and where gender is a aphasia, he may and just might stay put.

farmville no mua'

2011-12-23T17:55:00.001-08:00

you didnt think i'd just have an opening story and disappear do you? herr no.
i just been busy.

the thing about farmville, and being in the ether of the social media is that you
can disappear from the world and yet at the same time be a fucking cartoon character
. do you know that my page is still inviting people to be friends and doing 'likes'
on other's posts. no biscott bitches, i have nuddin to with that. do you think i'd
waste my time doing that rather than say go to Hollywood Spa free of charge and
watch? no fucking way. yes. i haven't been around to talk with you about the
trivialities of life because:

a. I'm not...alive
b. too busy going from one event to another, yes I still go to all the events you
want me to go to. yes. I was there last night in Panorama city at St. Genevive's
for the Typhoon Sendong benefit. why you think it was so cold in the church. You
know what people's problem is, they talk too much. we wanna see da performers!

and dont think i was, yua godda poblem with no punctuation? well, go elsewhere
then, nobody ask yua ta read dis. go to the muslim one; or the inept cajun runner,
the love addict..ladidadida. or da one who only speaks in tagalog and sells emotions?
what da fuck? who gonna understand his shyit. i tellya.
where was i, oh yes. don't think i wasn't at the staff holiday party at Salakot.
ooh, those boys..so cute. i can eat'em up. i think i'll watch them take a shower
tomorrow. everyone look sooo happy, even big boss who still looked Kaumaha here
and there. no. we are not mind readers, we can just see, and i saw it like a shot
agave tequila.
Big Boss, I was there.

c. doing whatever I fucking please. ( do you recall how long I was limping until i
decided to say, fuck this bullshit.)

d. no more pidgin or pretending to speak Chinese.

e. and I don't have to pretend to be a ghost anymore, I am one! bwahaahhhhhaaaah.
hmm, dont like that word tho'. ok. im not casper. not ghost of christmas past,
present or tomorrow. and i dont look like patrick swayze although i dick around
with him sometime.
PIKA
ey patrick, y yua stilll smokin bruddah, did'nt that smoke in ya head kilya.

PATRICK
no shit, and now that I am, I can smoke whenever I please.

he still so cute and witty. i couldn't help but get a boner. that's the only thing, he don't go that way. Once yua stret, yua always stret.
right? Ah shit, wasn't. no more pidgin. what can i say, i cant change who i am.
efa. gotta count if i've said too much. Im only allowed 500 words or else...or else.
hahaha or else fucking what. but i am a good boy.. good at being bad. brb.
i have said too..at being bad. eh. ok. brb.

Pigil

2011-12-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

Pigil. Kailangan pigilin ang sarili niya. Dahilan sa kanyang trabaho, kailangan ay
laging bukas ang kanyang kaluluwa sa karamdaman. Ito ay problema sa mga taong hindi
kailangan bumili, at gusto lang siyang makilala at makasama. Hindi niya halos
napipigilan ang sarili kung ano man ang kanyang ibinibigay. At kabag libre na ang
kanyang benebenta, dito ay nagkakaroon ng problema dahil para bang tumitigil ang
kanyang mga kilente, at hindi nagpapakita, hindi sumisipot. Hindi ito pwede at
kumakatok na ang Pasko.

Paminsan minsan niya lang binibigay ang karamdaman, at lalo na ngayong buwan na
ang mga tao ay gagastos ng masyada para bumili sa kanya. Ang haba nga na linia sa
Sto. Domingo ng mga tao mula sa sanggol at sa malapit ng makita ang langit na
gusto bumili ng kasiyahan. Napaka-haba ng pila.

Pero kagabi, nung meron siyang kasama, parang hindi niya sinasadyang bumigay, at
yung karamdaman mismo ang lumabas sa kanyang katawan na hindi mapigilan.

Hindi mo mismo makikita kaagad, pero pag medyong pikitin ang mata, parang
hangin na lumalabas sa mga daliri, tuhod, paa at likod. Isang anino na naliligaw at
hindi sinasadyang umalis dahilan alam nito na hindi sa benebenta, at binibigay ang
kanyang sarili lamang na walang presyo.

"Nararamdaman mo ba?"

"Si."

2011-12-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

PL: If you don't you don't let me buy you a drink, I will turn into dust

Pietra: That's a tagline if I've ever heard of one, you should sell it. Wait, lemme guess, Art Director. Advertising.

PL: Close enough. Baker. Small Cafe by Powell's Books by

Pietra: I know where Powell's is on

PL: Beaverton.

Pietra: Oh, not that one

PL: Cedar Hills Blvd. you'll just have to stop by and have a cupcake.

Pietra: flavor

PL: whatever you like, Vegan Chocolate, Icecake, Red Velvet; but everyone likes that; maybe Carrot Cake with slices of carrots and celery on the side with peanut butter?

Pietra: Allergic to peanuts; not deadly but that sounds...interesting.

PL: Well, we can definitely take the peanuts out. another drink.

Pietra: Bushmills.

PL: on the rocks

Pietra: yes, on the rocks.

PL: Bea, Bushmills on the rocks for this beauty.

Pietra: Pietra, this beauty is called Pietra

PL: Thanks B. Pietra, here you go.

Pietra: Thanks

PL: Anytime. how come I've never seen you here before.

Pietra: I'm just passing. A friend just got a place outside of the city.

PL: Well, if you're here tomorrow, lemme take you to the Botanical Gardens.

Pietra: Perhaps

PL: Perhaps

soledad - una letra en acorde menor E

2011-12-19T15:36:00.000-08:00

no te llores diosa gitana, voy a tocar su piel canela,
y todos de su tristeza va a evaporarse como una niebla en mis pies
que caminando cuando buscando por tu olor que me hipnotizas
porque hay humo en mi cabeza que no quiere salir
como la bruma en Alhambra de la medianoche en Mayo
vuelva a ti mañana, a otra semana, a otra mes, en el año que felicidades.
La vida esta oscura y todo dulce locura como tu pelo rizado.

Mi Negra alhaja, con lágrimas diamantes, sudor oro y ira plata
Ojala que puedo traer en mis bolsas, y voy a tocarte cuando miedo me visita.

Canta a mi como una pena, te doy mis allegre y mis dolor.
no te llores piel canela, voy a volver
a otra semana, a otra mes, en el año que felicidades.

no te llores diosa gitana, voy a tocar a su piel canela
y besando su soledad, vamos a mi cama de lagrimas
descansamos y no necesitas despertar. No necesitas despertar.
no te llores

break

2011-12-18T22:40:00.000-08:00

It's called a break-up because something breaks. Although different for everyone; it is a form of death really. Therefore, when a relationship breaks; something dies; and when something dies, the one that survives need to grief. One might have to grief more than the other, depending on the circumstances, that is. On the other hand, the other might have been broken for a long time before the break even occurs for both parties; therefore when it does finally happen, the other has already died and now gets to fly instead of be buried.

It might be hard to understand at first, but imagine a dog who has been taken care of by a couple. One might be in charge of training or taking it out for walks, while the other uses the dog for comfort, for solace. Well, just like a dog, a relationship must be taken out for walks as well and be trained to sit, fetch, jump, bark, squat and roll-over. But the person who uses the relationship for comfort and solace; security and breath will be the one who will grieve more when it breaks. While the other can or will just go and get another dog, maybe even the same as last: a Jack Russel or completely different; a Poodle, a Chihuahua or even a Greyhound.

"It's usually the half the length of the relationship," his friend from Louisville said. Well, it's been almost a year, and he still thinks about the death of his last one. The funny thing is, or maybe not so funny; whenever a break occurs, he is actually broken inside, and whenever another one dies; a part of him dies with it.

So tonight, when he sat in front of her whilst thinking of someone else; somebody else inside his head, he couldn't help but feel guilty for no longer grieving, but actually living.

أخت

2011-12-18T09:43:00.000-08:00

There's an indoor rock-climbing wall at the YMCA, and since it's a really long drive
to find a mountain or even a hill, besides the fact that it's the dead of winter in
Milwaukee; it was best he do it indoors.

It's therapeutic to climb up whils't hearing weights and grunts intermittently.
Everyone listening to their Cd's or MP3 players. He, on the other hand likes to
listen to the music of what is. And since he can't go an further after 40 ft. up
in the air or else he'd hit the ceiling, he would just come down and do it all over
again; five times to be exact.

as he was preparing to climb, a girl entered the studio next door that was not
being used for a class. She had bells on her feet which was odd. One, for walking
barefoot at the gym, and two, for having bells on. He turned to look at this girl
halfway up on the wall and saw that she had started dancing. He knew what it was
based on the music she was playing and moving to, because back in AZ, he dated a
girl who was studying Barat Natyam, and this is exactly what she is doing inside
the empty studio after Cardio Salsa.

"No wonder she had bells on," he muttered under his breath as he reached into his
pocket to put more talc in his hands. Whenever he thinks about women, his hands
perspire profusely...like water. Instead of gawking at this dancer, he took to the
music and used it as he went up and down the wall of artificial rock.
Eastern Music, Weights, grunts and Britney Spears on the speakers of the Y.

Light Bulb! Fourth way up. She would be a good candidate to perform at the
South Division HighÂ School's International Day. Slip. Don't think, don't fall.
Grab onto a rock. HeÂ finished the fifth round completely focused on his climb and
jumped off 6 feet above ground. He walked over to entered the room as she was also
preparing to leave.
"Sofia," she said as he shook her hand wet with talc dripping like milk.
She didn't flinch at all, just smiled.

2011-12-17T20:41:00.000-08:00

Blue. The sky is blue today, no sun, just sky. It's been gloomy lately. Weather
doesn't affect me, only summer. I hate summer, people have an excuse to be outside.
So, today ain't so bad, blue above, like the ocean, like my eyes, like my state of
being. It reminds me of Vodka. not that I drink anymore. I should say, it used to
taste like vodka.

"Why you got blue inside your heart, it doesn't make sense." Chief used to tell me,
and so did his wife, the red haired cinnamon who named me. He figured since I was
born Blue, the one who is color should name me.
The fry bread here ain't so good, like cardboard box that bums have been sleeping
in. Nevertheless, it's quiet, just the random euphoria walking around with a forty
on the left hand and GPC menthol cigarette on the right. It cools the lungs in the
cold. Look at that kid peeing in the toilet in front of Standing Bear's trailer
home;
"Hey, that don't .... never mind." Number 1 anyway, so it's all good.

I went to see crazy horse today, I wasn't crazy over it. Just like many of the
people here...incomplete but never stopping, or has it? Or have they?

Being in the mainland is a bitch, you gotta talk to people. You have to find a away
to live. Back home I can just disappear and still survive off the land whether it's
hunting a moose or fishing in Matanuska.
I guess I can hunt buffaloes in the Hills or sell Crack, but some authorities
will get really pissed off, and place me in jail. Well, that will solve some of
my problems: free food and lodging. The only thing is guys will wanna and will
fuck me. You see, guys in prison have what I have, and they will do whatever it
takes to get my Blue.

2011-12-17T17:37:00.001-08:00

he wonders where the other came from who touches electricity
maybe it's just him where it rains waterfalls and teardrops, it was
Spiced Apple Bread Mix on his hands listening to Omara Portuondo;
'Mariposita de Primavera, ' when he was already sitting by the kitchen table.
There are chunks of dried apples in the mix.

He's not baked since sugar on his chest, come to think of it that was
just 4 days ago.

1 Full Packages of Mix with sulfur in his mouth when he got nervous)
2 Large eggs and a dash of Spanish Torch Songs,
1/2 Stick Melted Butter; he was thinking of Buika on Pandora but chose Omara
1 cup 2 reduced fat Milk; skim is better, there's enough butter

PREPARE: Preheat oven to 350F. Will he come this time. Contrary Action.
contrary action. There is the Full Series collection of Fanny and Alexander,
he can watch all 312 minutes of it.

Lightly grease 8x4 loaf pan with cooking spray while singing ¿Dónde estabas tú?
MIX: Combine eggs, melted butter and milk and add mix. It started to rain as he ran today, and it was a smile on his face that opened the door when he got back home.

PAN: Spread batter in pan and bake for 55-60 minutes while dancing with the songs
knock on door. he wanted to be caught singing when he arrives. knock on door.

a smile. a kiss. and an apple loaf almost burnt.

2011-12-16T21:18:00.000-08:00

hanapin ang katahimikan sa gulo. yoon lang ang paraan. ngayong araw na siya'y ipinanganak, isang bagay lang ang gusto niyang gawin; hanapin ang katahimikan sa gulo. wala siyang kakausapin kundi ang mga taong walang kamalay-malay na ngayong araw siya dumating sa mundo.

"A las 6:30 ng gabi ka kumatok sa tiyan go, ka-uumpisa lang ng PBA, kaya nga ayaw ng mga tiyuhin mong daling ako sa hospital," naa-alala niyang sinabi ni Mama.

mula sa ulyaning mamang nag-benta ng kape; o kaya yung punong punong cinehan pinarood lang si Tom Cruise na tumalon sa Dubai (si Tito Net nakatira doon noon), hanggang sa programa ng mga batang nag-kakaroling at nag-aanklung dahil simbang gabi ngayon.

Simbang Gabi, tuwing madaling araw ng umpisa ng pasko, si Papa, Lola at siya ay nagsi-simba tapos nakain ng bibinka.

wala siyang pinag sabihan dahil napakarami kasing pinaplano ng mga tao kapag alam nila. Kahit hindi siya naka-usap ng ilang linggo, ilang buwan, ilang taon; ngayong araw ay atawagan siya na parang kahapon lang silang huling nag-kita o nag-usap.

kaya ngayon, wala siyang pli-nano bago at pagkatapos ng trabaho kundi gawin ang gusto niyang gawin na solong solo lamang. dahilang ang trabaho niya ay laging kaharap ng mga tao kaya ayaw niyang makipag usap kahit kanino ngayon. Kuminsan siam, kuminsam dalawang libo ang tinitindahan niya. At kapag ganito ang iyong hanap-buhay, kapag merong kang tsiansang walang ka-usap at maging solo, rito mahahanap ang sarili; rito mahahanap ang katahimikan. Ang sariling sumisipot pa-minsan minsan kapag nakatulog, kapag nakahinga.

tatlong oras lang siya nagtrabaho ngayon. At ng ilang mga taon na lumipas na isang tindero, siya na ngayon ay nagtutoro sa mga tao na gustong mag-tinda ng karamdaman. pero itong tatlong oras ay halos katulad ng labing tatlong oras na nagtrabaho sa opisina.

Kung saan saan nang gagaling ang kanyang mga estudiante; merong Afrikano, Sweden, Rio, Londres, Colombia at kahit sa aling sulok ng buong mundo. Ang kahirapan kapag nag-uumpisang pag aralan ito ay dahilan sa kanilang nahanap na karamdaman at kailangan niyang ramdamin, hingahin at hawakan ang mga karamdaman na gustong ibenta.

Molasses

2011-12-14T17:05:00.000-08:00

it was a 2 block walk back to his place. simple, cold and crisp like back home. They baked.

well, she baked and he watched Adventures in Babysitting and helped roll dough on Raw Cane sugar. Sort of. He was watching her every move, like the sugar sprinkled over his chest, or the pungent smell of the molasses.

its an old house, could be seen as post-Victorian. Not from this millennium. from another time, like when he first fell. like when he first fell at the Lakefront back home.

Without an apron, she gently tussles his hair. He likes to spend his time with the barber; they talk for hours. Funny, it's called Sweeney Todd. But he's been there several times, and he has not been turned into a Shepherd's Pie.

this reminds him of that first time he fell.

Remember, it was winter, and he was on his bike and the other was on roller blades. Snowless, but the texture seems similar, the kiss, the night, the molasses.

Canta

2011-12-12T22:53:00.001-08:00

Imaginate. If they named her Christmas, she would never hear the end of it until she was 18. Actually, navidad is not so bad because one can just call her Navi, nice ring to it, verdad? No one really names their daughter Jesus either; Jesusina...sounds like what you'd say when jumping of a cliff or a building; or in this case, Casa Rosada. No. Someone has that all to herself, and she's just around the corner in Recoleta. She's happy with what she's got; class but also in lieu of the this holiday. Esta Verano aqui, nice to have a bikini on and then go see all the lights at night.

On her day-off, which is once a week for a few hours, it would be spent taking the train and the bus everywhere. She loves the city, but hates where she comes from. Too many tourists interacting with low-lifes. People love all the life size paper mache hanging on the street and the buildings. She even had a facebook friend who told her that there was a wine named after her town. La Boca. Who names their town, the mouth, so trashy, so seedy. She would always lie to people when she first meets them.

"San Telmo, that's where I was born," she'd say whenever she would have dinner with friends then off to a bar afterwards. There's just something about San Telmo, esta oscuro even during the daytime. The streets remind you of when Astor was still around. She is a creature from the past. That's why she works cafe in San Telmo and not at Cafe Tortoni. She wouldn't want to work there and would rather be served cafe con miel.

On her day off like today, she does her usual rounds of going to Recoleta to feed the stray cats, write some lyrics at the museum then do a prayer at the Cathedral.

Sumannga

2011-12-12T22:51:00.000-08:00

utot. utot ng utot ngani si kuya kiko. ke sama na nga na nagigising sa umaga na ang katabi ng bintana ay ang babuyan ni tito boy, tapos ang katabi sa banig ay si kuya na imbes na nag-hihilok ay umu-utot.

mga alas kwarto palang eh nag-kakantahan na rin ang mga manok. pag gising nila, alam namin na kailangan na naming magising. Napaka-aga pa, tulog pa nga ang langit pero sabi ni tito boy na gising na ang mga isda kaya kailangan namin na pumunta sa gubat. Sakay kami sa tricycle nya at tuloy kaming mag byahe mula sa dilim ng Zumannga, at papasa sa bayan bago makarating sa gubat. ang sarap ng simoy ng hangin, kasing tamis ng kalamansi juice, halos nakalimutan ko na ang amoy ng humba na lumabas sa pwet ni kuya kiko kanina.

"Anak, Pedring...dine ang mga isda." Sunod kaming mag-pinsan sa tubig na hawak ang fishing net. naroon na sa tito boy. lagi syang na-uuna at hinahanap ang pwesto ng mga galunggong o bangus o dilis, depende sa araw.

wari'y naghintay kami ng tatlong oras at walang sumipot na isda, ni isa hidi nag-pakita. tomgu na tomgu na ngani. tinakut kaya namin? pero mula sa panahon na naka-alaala ako'y laging may nag-papakita.

"Kuya Kiko, baka na-amoy utot mo."

"Gago." tapos me nakita kami na lumulutang. naku, sirena kaya o patay na katawan. medyo natakot ako dahil kagabi, napanood naming yung "Shake, Rattle and Role," sa bagong VHS na bili ni Tito tito sa Saudi.

"Ingat lang," sabi ni tito boy na wari ko'y takot rin.

nang laki nyan kung isda yan, pero hindi kasing laki ng tao. kumikintab. parang umiiyak. hindi amoy isda, amoy sampaguita na benebenta ng mga bata sa kalye sa Banawe.

tapos, hindi na nakatuloy sina tito boy at kuya kiko. parang hindi naka-galaw pero tinuloy ko. hindi sila

naka-iling. nilapitan ko yung hindi isda, yung hindi tao pero ang aking nakita ay kalungkutan.

Hinawakan ko ito at hindi siya gumalaway. Ang lakas ng amoy sampaguita. Hinagpit ko itong kalungkutan at dinala sa lupa.

Mula noon, nalaman ko ang aking gagawin. Hindi ako magiging mangingisda kundi mangangaramdaman.

rain

2011-12-12T22:35:00.000-08:00

Rain reminds me of kisses.

So the first thing I do in the morning is turn on the Weather channel.

Rain and mountain snow is expected today and tonight for much of the Pacific Northwest U.S.

I'll stand outside, look up and wait for it to come pouring because real kisses freak the fuck out of me. Today, I stood outside for what felt like an eternity, until I almost got hit by a bus. So what if it's 9am rush hour for commuters. It was raining and I wanted to be slathered with kisses.

Now, if some guy where to ever try that shit on me, I'd punch him in the face. See the difference with rain is that you have a choice; to be kissed or go inside and have hot cocoa with marshmallows. On the other hand, if there's an actual person; an actual breathing human being requiring your attention and saliva? Enough said.

But, when it's coming down from the sky down to your hair and its starts trickling down to your forehead, then the bridge of your nose and to your lips. It's divine, Like drinking G*d's tears.

It's kissing G*d.

Courir

2011-12-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

" MERDEEEEEE! If I see ya mothah fucking face here evah agin', ah make sher tah kut yer' tongue an feed it chyah, Putain Pierre!"

So he ran away from home. Well, at least that's what he said. But from his step-father's POV, he kicked the fuck outta him, grabbed him by his nik and threw him owt dah screen doh. He was about tah git his shot gun when da boy fled widout nufin wid him but the army bag he stole from da surplus stoh.

"Foo' aint got no muney nway," step-father mutter as he limped away.

It had been a one of those classic Cajun Summer yit agin. Hot is fine, but when mug is yelling yer face as soon as ye git outshide to get to work at 7 in da morn. It ain't nah joke, especially when it last day and night. Yah swetin soon as ya git out da showah.

Tank le Dieux dat Rouses opened up by dey house just in time for heat to hit his face. So all dae long, hid spen it at the Market just so he'd not melt outside. If he made enuf money washing cars in neighbors garage', he's be able to get the cern bred deah and hav a reason ta stay.

But dat day was a speshal one fo im and his step-dad. ma's gone she passed a few months before.

You'd think he was doing dat because of grief but the man's bin up tah no good since he moved in wid his right back jeans pocket holed up for Skoal.

"Bonjou Petit Pierre," he smiled wid yella teeth. Four years latah, Putain Pierre.

So he ran. dat hella hot dae no sweet tea can fix, he ran away from his step-father who he had him on his knees, pant out and all moaning like a hog from Atchafalaya up until,

"Dis da las tyme you gonna fuk wid me," and BITE.

"MERDEEEEEE!" Step-father fell, tried to pull up his pants a bleeding and grab a hold of Putain Pierre at the same time; grabbed a hold of his right leg as he tried to scurry, hit him in the face then grabbed him by the neck and threw him out the screen door.

"If I see ya mothah fucking face here evah agin', ah make sher tah kut yer' tongue an feed it chyah, Putain Pierre!"

In his bag hid stolen $300 and sum credit cards in his step-dad's name.

and he didn't stop running until his feet bled past the delta; the swamps and the 10 east.

6 min 41 sec.

2011-12-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

6 min 41 sec.

It’s all I have today, because when time runs out,

salt in my eyes would’ve filled the shot glass; it’s better than Scotch.

in the middle of my living room where christmas and the netbook screen offers light of a 70 yr. old heater and darkness. The 3 ft tree I’ve had for 7 years stands in front of the glass table; he comes out of hibernation once a year…no longer pineful.

I took a nap after a cigarette, and went to deep sleep.

I recall nothing when my soul disappears.

It must have been somewhere that I lost where I went; like sunglasses.

Maybe that’s why I feel so empty right now.

Or maybe its just the darkness of this place.

It’s like love in the nick of time.

Is that what I lost in my dream?

مكتوب

2011-12-04T08:20:00.000-08:00

مكتوب. on his back. At first he thought it was dirt that stained his shirt and seeped onto his skin from rock climbing yesterday on Camelback. And although there were warning signs saying don't climb during rain; that warning was exactly the reason why he went, kinda like when he started sinking at Exit Glacier.

"If I had to die, what a way to go," he thought in the beginning of October, then realized he had a proposal due and that it was his father's birthday the following week.

So when he suddenly saw a glimpse of his back and this smudge on it, he was confused that it wasn't coming off after taking a bath in epsom salt. For some reason, there was no reason for him to worry that this mark was there; as it didn't sting or hurt or spread. In fact, it offered a tingling sensation on that side of his skin, kind of like sleeping in the desert at night when all you can feel is the wind sneaking inside your tent and onto your bag.

No, he was not worried at all. In fact after a week of wearing this mark, a sudden relief came over him. A relief that he need not worry about anything; everything was gonna be just fine. It's gonna be fine... even if he forgot to lock his doors at night, or turn his headlights out or go through the day with his zipper open. It's gonna be just fine.

Weeks passed into months, and he went about his business. One Friday after noon, around 1:35PM, he decided to go back and climb Camelback.

"Five.Ten, Crash Pad, Tooth brush, Chalk bag with chalk. Check."

He looked up onto this Boulder, he noticed something very familiar. At first he wasn't sure what it was because the sun has decided to blind the desert. And as he got closer, he realized that there was something written on this rock. He turned back to see if anyone was there. No. He came closer to it and started to feel a tingling sensation on his back.

It was the same mark that stained his back 3 months past. The same exact one, just magnified a thousand fold. His head tilted to the left confused at what he was seeing and feeling inside the right side of his shoulder blade. Then he heard it, he heard it loud and clear.

Maktub. مكتوب.

Wolf

2011-12-03T22:51:00.001-08:00

Hibernate. There's nothing like day being night all day. Come November here, the sun starts to hibernate and you'll be lucky if you even get a chance to get a glimpse of any rays. Actually, he starts to retreat from the public eye in the beginning of October...and so does the rest of the town. Everyone starts retreating, even the glaciers start to dim their light. It becomes a ghost town except Moose and Bear drinking forties outside of Pit Bar.

People are so afraid of being outside in the cold. No one's frozen to death here in town. Wait, I take it back, last year there was a gal from Florida who ran away form home because it was too hot so she came here in February and didn't have any winter clothes and thought she can manage to wear her shorts and tank at 3pm. They found her the next day by a couple of yards away by the gas station on Seward Hwy heading to Mt. Alyeska frozen crawling. I think she's still there. They put a plaque underneath that says;

Stupid Girl.

I like it, not the plaque; the cold. I like the idea of freezing and rubbing my arms with my hands or cupping them and blowing inside for warmth. There's nothing better than walking around downtown Anchorage when it's starts to get dark again, noon, and breathe the air that's become ice. You can just see Mt. McKinley looming from afar smiling.

During the summer when the sun refuses to sleep, so does everyone else. People who are not even from here come up and stay awake with everyone else. It's repulsive. 1 for all the people out of their hibernation; 2 for the heat burning my skin; 3 for the noise it creates.

When people hibernate; I get to roam freely outside and be myself.

Gitana

2011-12-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

A rock. She was named after a rock...which was also her great grandmother's name; a gypsy from Alhambra. No, not Spain. San Gabriel Valley. Well, at least that's what she was told about her great grandmother who was the one who crossed the border from Juarez. I know, why didn't she just go to Texas. No one really knows how she got here, hence the nickname " La Gitana." In all honesty, she wasn't surprised that La Gitana chose that name instead of being called "The Rock." Three generations later, she inherited that name. The funny thing is, inside her body she was also a gypsy. She can easily up and leave everything that she had...which was minimal. She's always felt like a nomad and an outsider ever since the girls in high schools taunted her.

" La Piedra, La Piedra...Chinita Tontarita Piedra!"

"Puta, ellas tan tontas, it's with a T...not a D," she'd whispher under her breath and just keep walking. Latinas can be such bitches, especially if you're not one of them. But here the problem lies, she had the same Caramela skin and nariz Indio as theirs...but the eyes.. the eyes gave it all away. They were almond like calligraphy. La Gitana didn't have those eyes, nor Abuela nor Mama.

Han. Her father, her absent, non-existent almost exiled father is a Han which constitutes 19% of the world population. Funny, so many Hans and not one father.

A minority at her high school but not next door in Monetery Park. And here lies the other problem; whenever she talked to the girls on that side of the tracks, they'd roll their almond eyes and cover marble skin then talk shit through whispers. Actually, she didn't know which was worse, being called names out loud; or being called names under their breath. And so she took to herself most of the times, listening to Julieta Venegas and Fay Wong on her Ipod.

Just like at this moment right now 5 years later, listening to the same music as she stares at this rock, this massive rock turned into a wall..turned into a bridge that snakes through where her father comes from in a language she can barely speak. Simatai. And at that moment, she felt proud of her name; the strength of it all and how the bruises those girls gave are now scars of power.

She stands here. A gypsy in the early part of the morn screaming her name out at the top of her lungs.

Fall

2011-11-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

He fell in love. No really. He literally fell, on his bicycle when someone on their rollerblades bumped into him on Lake Shore drive. He fell, they both fell…and after they passed the initial who was right, and I’m so sorry bit, they both realized that maybe, just maybe, they were both supposed bump into each other and fall flat on their faces that February Wednesday afternoon by the Lawrence exit.
Who in their right mind would ride a bike or roller blade in the dead of Winter in the Windiest part of the Windy City on Wednesday at 3pm? Well, they both did.

“Pierre, Pierre Lawrence, ” as he got up. Right on the grass. Dead grass. It would actually hurt if it was on the bike route where he fell. Good thing it was on the dead grass that provided the cushion for his face. Too bad it was filled with snow, so instead of a crack in his head; the right side of his body was a Popsicle. After wiping off the snow off his frozen body, he offered to help.

They were both going in different directions; one North to Argyle to get some herbs and the other to the Gold Coast for therapy; but both ended up at Ch’ava Cafe after passing by Chase Park to stare at the naked trees.

“They’re not naked. They’re dressed in snow, just like you when you fell.” They both smiled. Well, maybe the other smirked.
It’s a different kind of sensation when one falls…a tingling sensation occurs inside the body, and in Pierre Lawrence’s case outside the body. And although half his body lay frozen on the dead grass dressed in snow; time itself froze. It stopped altogether and all you can hear was the wind whistling. They both concurred to this sensation and didn’t discuss it that day over Roasted Red Beets and La Tortuga Coffee but simply stared at each other as the numbness of the right side of his body dissipated away.

Pau Hana

2011-11-28T20:03:00.001-08:00

Pau Hana. It’s probably a good day to die today. I just texted this to him. No, just the first sentence, not the second one. He probably would get all Al-Anon and call, text, facebook, and be here at my door a minute before I sent it. Funny, he probably would have to google what it meant and would pretend he knew what it was all along. The thing is, I’d probably be dead by the time he gets here. I’m probably saying too much, huh. Well, because at this moment; it’s all a probability. Hold on.

Ok. No longer a probability. That was quick. No come to the motherfucking light Carol Anne.

Poltergeist, just in case you didn’t get the reference. Quick, one moment I’m driving myself to the Emergency Room, the next thing...done. I always wondered about this moment, how I would go; murder, heart attack, accident, suicide, rape, earthquake. None of the above.

As I kid in the islands, the kids would make fun of me by saying my last name really fast so it’d sound like a dead body. Try it, say it slowly first, then go faster and faster and you will agree with those kids. Fuckers.

I’d let them taunt me for a minute, then I’d hit them in the head with a coconut shell. Yep, carried coconut shells inside my bag-pack, unlike the girls who collected shells from Kahana Bay. Too much seaweed for my taste. I’d get Coconut from the Tree in our backyard. Ok, so my neighbors backyard. Some just fell off; other times me and cuzin would sneak in and he’d climb the tree when no body's home and unhook the coconuts from above one by one.

“Dis one for you Pika,” he would say and I would just watch him come down from above like Kane glistening shirtless in his brown skin. I should delete that last statement. Wait a minute,

who cares, I’m dead.

Don’t get it twisted, I didn’t die because I was this boy taunted all my life; on the contrary, it gave me my strength like Pele giving me fire. It’s a good day to die today because I’m tired of being there for one person at a time. My body was starting to restrict the things I wanted to change.

At least now I can be everywhere all at the same time; watching over cuzin’s toddler when he’s cheating on his wife; my auntie forgetting to put her dentures in before eating fried chicken or my ex going to bathhouses and having unprotected sex. At least now, probably...just probably, if I whisper in their ears, they will think twice.

Shelter

2011-07-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

In the house of Plantation

Memorial Civil War meets Civil Rights

Southern Belles listen to Ray La Montagne

" do you think we sound funny,"

the Bible belt has much to offer

Cookeville Crosses and Franklin antebellums

inside a church we conga and colours blind

we bend backwards and scream

ancestral names to G*d

no, you don't sound funny'

does courtesy insult

or smiles offend

do hugs anger

and shyness amend

it's tantamount, the sound of the South

sweet tea showers it seems

Snicker Doodles will make us smile

blonde freckles of my tear ducts

it was insecurity that brought me back

but sibling kinship that I depart

Border

2011-07-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

wait.

how long will you wait to cross

the border

of distance between fear and anxiety

until the grass grows on the tracks

and ferns become filled with smoke

or petrol

until the next box-car comes by

and one armed cigar smoking teenage girls

hold out their arms and ask to

Please join us.

join us cross the border

of denial frustration and water buffaloes

they carry ivory here sometimes

pass the water pass the smog

pass the humid heat pass the fog

wait

jump the tracks and skip

there are no bullet trains in the border

just snipers of fear

Antebellum

2011-07-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

the clouds got away from the Antebellum Arches

where Crosses come down after Jack

and cynical eyes rock the boat with Drag Kings

at Play in Church.

they say sir here everywhere.

JC will hug me country song country strong

its a drive of stories fiddles accordions

someday I will learn not to get angry at someone before they speak to me.

Even if the Grand Ole' Opry refused to let me in

but a Cowboy smiled enough to ease my discontent.

there are Antebellum Arches battling

elsewhere not here today.

2011-07-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

If you asked me today if I existed my answer would be;

there will always be benches

where I can sit or sleep or stand and jump

where the silence of my heart will swim across

the ocean of my mind

unrelenting as the Puget Sound

rain coming from the ground and the mist off my pores

crying seems to engage my joy

and laughter my grief

there will always be benches

if you place your ears on them

they will tell you how many miles many have ran

and slept, and ate and hearts broken.

but i will just look out today and see forever

2011-06-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

Monday, 6.27.11

It started out in SF around 345am when I awoke. Flight was at 7am, then spent 2 hours at

Sea-Tac airport before leaving for Bellingham.

Arrived at 1230 and was just gonna go over the border and eat lunch

i found myself driving to the Vancouver City Center and just drove around.

when I parked, it was by Cyprus Community Garden where I took a stroll

to the re-furbished railroad track which is now a garden.

Everything is green, and the view from afar must be Whistler,

where one can see the Snow Capped Mountains

there was Granville Island but I had forgotten that I didnt have Canadian currency

to pay for parking, so I drove and planned to stop by the shops on Granville street

got side-tracked to the Gardens, which was a blessing as it calmed and soothed me.

I take it as a blessing that I don't have phone service here in Canada. The border agent had some questions and looked at me questionably, but hey, Im not surprised.

Sunday, 6.26.11

The SF Pride Parade was reason enough to get bombarded by people from all over, especially after NY passed the same-sex marriage law. After a whole day and night, 12 hours in total, of being all over the City, it didnt feel right to spend the whole day at the Civic Center again. So after being at the parade grounds for 2 hours, we ended up at Yerba Buena to try and catch the

Ethnic Dance Festival. Luckily, we knew the Director of Development and also one of the Dancers offered a ticket to see the show with me. The Dance Community seem very connected and entrenched in the City. This was the extent of the day. By 630pm, I was back at the Westin airport and took it easy.

a glass of humility

2011-05-08T22:02:00.001-07:00

Someone threw a glass of humility on my face

and it brought me to my knees.

Ya see I was seranading in the City...daw

Harana's in the Heart

with Allos' on my mind as he journeyed

up and down California from box-cars to violence

tar, feather and fire...

where blood pores perspire

and now we tell his story

where the Klu Klux Cant

cause it cant

I don't get offended, I educate

the Klu Klux cant' cause one was in my class

who smelled the songs we both like

who's swastika paralled my tribal sun

and he who knows what color pain is

cuz I painted it in his tears.

much has changed

and yet so little when a few States away, browns

need to prove who they may be like Klamath Falls

Pasa Pasa

they can't ask for my pasaporte azul

or my St. Domingo Rosaries

or my Bismillah Beads

its become a sin to be brown in Vieja California

once Ak-Chin, Yavapai, Apache, Navajo, Cocopah, Havasupai, Hopi

roamed la Tierra

Hoping people fall and revel

at the Tagalog Serenade that we recite

up and down the coast he writes

while up and down the coast I speak

how far have we gone little brown kin

my bruddah, kababayan and cuzin

of howlie hospital love affairs, and nietzsche diadems

while ginsberg howled at me North Beach city lights streetcar and trollies,

and whitman left leaves under my sole and lavender inside my pockets.

at dimsum last night it seemed 55 years back

someone turned to two of me and said

"you Asians"

'you Asians like Peking Duck'

Head tilt, cricket cricket

i dont get offended i educate

nearly half the population of the world

The Han and Hindi has more than a billion

i wanna be a billionaire too

here, stigmatized into an Empress Pavilion restaurant

smelling of sesame seed oil and ignorance

did you know the Middle East is in Asia

or parts of Russia, Korean Uzbecks, Afghans and Balinese warriors

Chinatowns and Chinatowns

there are Pinoys in Chinatowns

and now Viet-Congs, Hmongs

and Khmer Lipsticks with Mint Tea

and objectificados

how gone we have far

enough when

my palate is paid speaking in "k's" and "ng's"

Plosives and Nasals exploding

like teaching Rhetoric to East St. Louis, Perth and Chilangos

and shot down with slips of "i's" and"eee's"

I heet it sometimes slips out like

Home Depot has something to say

to blue eyed blonde haired Mexicanos

Allos' Ive dreamt of the day when we're faced to face sharing stories of prose and icons

Rizal and Sartre will nada speak

but Macario might rise up

and help

yelp

gulp

tell me how I can return back to Oregon

again and again

and watch my twin live with her porcelain

as an 18 yr. old cries on my shoulder

"how can I not be shy?"

you ask me this

young lad

me - a 12 yr old immigrant of unwanted parentage

fat dimples, and thick furrowing eyebros

able to speak English but unable to be understood

Yo- con mi madre sola on welfare with a 6 month old kin

begging to get paid $50

or eating spoiled rice w/bulgoki

Ako - nakay saya when I Uncle Sam-uel put me to work

and fed me dollar signs and sweat

at trece....catorce...quince tarbajando.

how can I not be shy you ask me youngen'

when i tried so hard to dirty up my room

so people might like me

and shave my head to reach out and touch ...fay

how can I not be shy

when my responsibility is to be the mirror to society

when G*d's got my back whenever I speak from my soul

and breathe from my heart,

how can I not be shy when I resort to conversing,

or conversating to lined paper, or napkins or Dentyne wrappers

my best friend a ballpoint pen so that no one can hear me speak.

they don't need to see us to hear what we have to say

digame le menitra de la verdad

Allos, tell this boy from Wilmington, THousand Oaks, Bend, Oskalooza, Lindsberg, or Yuma

how we can tell stories by pointing our lips

north south east west sideways highways

or swaying our hips to cajon's, cellos, octavinas and kulintang

tell him how we can switch tongues

from Iberia to Nihonggo, Y'luh to Okey Dokey

Panggalatok, Chabacano, Visaya, Ilocano

Kapampangan - mekeni ...saaaaguli.

Di'le, Sabihin Mo, Tu sabes Allos

cuando lluegue in nuestro Pais

nuestro tierra

nuestro Amerika

Wala silang sinabi kung hindi

Welcome, welcome home, welcome back

We will

hug, kiss, slap, swear, beat, hold, educate, assimilate, hate, touch caress, and belt, spit, spank, lullaby embrace you and haze you all at once.

Cuz I threw a glass of ice cold humility on my face and it brought me to my knees.

2011-04-26T21:57:00.000-07:00

its constant this change

we go through

and the people we encounter

remembering the ones we have lost

Lola knocked on my window last night

and kept me awake

honest I am, sometimes I get tired

of dealing with allowing people to grow

practice what you preach

as i urge those to stop thinking

i find myself bottled up inside my head

all day long missing trains to work

or leaving my grace behind

all asunder these stints of growth

i try to avoid

is it grief when it controls me

is it grief when I cry in the shower

is it grief when anxiety takes over my body

unaware of why it's there

unaware to why i'm here

think before I speak

i feel before I speak, or should i pause first

and deliver

should I pause first and stop living

should I pause first and go home

so early in the night so I can have my silence

and not deal on a personal level

i hone people to learn how to sell emotions

they didn't tell me that whatever they deliver

i will have to absorb, regardless i bought it on or not

Here I am, one parent lost

Lost and malcontent

lost and alone, not lonely...maybe at times

lost and running things my way

not yelled at or reprimanded.

i like this place

this somewhat solitary place

where birds sing all morning long

and raccoons scratch the walls

please let me sleep tonight

with thoughts free

and wildness amok

tell me where the sidewalk ends

is it in my veins or my students' voices

2011-03-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

its quiet tonight

the birds have stopped singing to me

trees are only dancing in shadows to zero 7

even the raccoons aren't scurrying tonight

the #2 just passed across the street

volunteers are done planting vigor in the community garden

we sold joy and laughter at the Farmer's Market

and the blind man stopped singing

the fog has started to flitter and filter about

much to be said but only breath comes out of my pores

my body is slowing down like the last seconds of the day

its quiet tonight

2011-02-22T18:35:00.000-08:00

I dreamt of humility last night

and awoke so anxious

nervous and lost

the silence is palpable

it tastes of a frost bite

or a melted snowman

regardless it is a choice i have made

to look into the darkness of my backyard

filled with dancing squirrels and cigarette butts

it was different altogether

when tatami floors and wisdom tooth

can make you smile and Super Mario

where a Parisian woman can be so curt

to a Filipino server filled with tourette

bread jam hazelnut with coffee drowning my thoughts

2011-02-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

snow caps en route

Griffith Park Blvd and Sunset

birds sang today

in the sunday silence of sirens

there was one car that passed me by

my body is somewhat clear of toxins today

yet my mind is filled with gossip

and holding on to something that is no longer there

maybe it never was

the wind is crisp like home

and the hair on my face grows thick and brisk

yet i am soft inside today

i listen to people and hear halt to actions i may take

or thought i might intend

there are colours i still have to decipher

with my senses

i wanted to climb those mountains today

but it was beyond my reach

but close enough to grasp the aire.

tikim

2011-02-17T21:53:00.000-08:00

masarap tumikim sa gabi

ng ibang timpla ng iyong kutis

iba sa aking dilim

simple lang at dahan dahan

waring nahihiya sa init ng ating katawan

nagtatago sa ngiti at pilik mata

parang naglalaro sa gubat

oso

2011-01-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

I know I am not perfect, but I do know that I love you so

love you so

when your feet are dancing watching Travel Channel

as my head falls asleep on your stomach

drawing pictures on my back

or dance naked while the windows are awake

sleep like a pup in my arms

and make the egg sandwich breakfast that awakens my soul

But I do know that I love you so to let you go if space is what you need

It's not perfect when sometimes I burst out in tears

or anger because there are too many things on my hand

and we failed to get a cart at Target

your essence stayed with me last night

and wouldn't let it to leave

he smiled and moisturized his face

and talked about that little man named Joaquin and Brady

wearing a Snoopy shirt

he was drinking mimosas with his aunts and had a scorpion fossilized

Santa was outside in between four houses

and a Phoenix rose from the ski as we climbed the Camel's back

but I know it's not perfect when my stress

overtakes my love for you

its not perfect when my hands rush down the stairs to get out

at Christmas morn after a lover's quarrel the night before.

or rush you to the airport when you're a grown man

or even when my lips ask too many questions cause i try to mind read

i thought i was psychic once, but to no avail.

i accept that essence of you last night

because I have never fallen so hard with kindness

or Dolly Parton en route to Miguel's Jr.

or Liza with the Z

or Cat's singing Happy Birthday

or my collection of undergarments

I have never fallen so hard with a beautiful man like you

whose touch is a Lark Oreo cup cake

whose sweet lips are better than the Hawaiian lip balm I lost

whose eyes droop to my gestures

because i feel lost when I might have hurt you

or tried to nibble on your stomach

or held you too tight.

But I do know that I love you so to let you go if space is what you need

I know I am not perfect, but I do know that I love you so...

Oso

2011-01-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

a decade its been

here in haze and smog

where streets collide

with valleys streams autographs and dark glasses

who knew that Id be in the gloom today listening

to bells and rainbow traffic smiling

LA 2011

2011-01-02T16:09:00.000-08:00

it was the first of beer battered dodger dogs

that held us at the stands

a pre-game camaraderie that my neighbors may bring

fathers like their sons to play ball

I've grown accustomed to it as age surpasses and children ask

never to late

2011-01-02T15:37:00.000-08:00

a glass or two of red may hinder you

in kissing the wild

grapes and elephants may come in handy

mountains and caves

tusks and barrels we may find

jolting in the barren heat

of an almost summer day

Santa Barbara/ San Diego

2011-01-02T15:29:00.000-08:00

the water is warm down here

border town

and sHe tells us time

of kahukus and kalihis

kayaks and seals by the sea

fogs in the night stop by

and dances with you in hula skirts

of Olivia Newton John

it was vintage dust

and pacific shower views

that lie ahead

La Jolla CA

2011-01-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

The City they say

has marijuana and mint mixed in together

where tatoo artists are gallerized in Museums

and 19th century warriors bellow Haranas

with prisoners and diwatas

where Mark Twain and Billie Holiday stand side by side

and Ginsberg may howl 5 times in the night

San Francisco

2011-01-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

overnight we held hands

in the silence of strangers

and strange foliage erupting from the ground

even time stands overtime

whether it be sweet delicacies of sunflowers

or Catholics in brick and mortar

Solvang CA

2011-01-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

barefoot, we ran drawing footprints in the sand

and up the kelp of the mountain

past hidden staircases to the wild.

it was the perfect Valentine

a balcony steps away from the pacific

and a sunset subtle in its warmth.

Laguna CA

2011-01-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

who knew in my time that I'd feel like a king

as the mist of dawn rose above the waters

my body languid with your touch

treated with kinship and kindness

butterflies flitted about when the sun retired

and one fell across your hand and smiled

who knew that in my time I'd feel like a king

St. Regis, Monarch Beach

The Phoenix

2011-01-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

it seemed like a trek

to travel high up to the cactus garden over a mile and half

above the desert sands of Scottsdale

grabbing onto freckled rocks as we climbed

closer to Christmas

children and dogs run rampant down

some altitude vomit and robins hopping

the rabbits hid back to Jokake

The Phoenician, Scottsdale AZ

2010-11-25T10:05:00.000-08:00

Bibingka on Vermont

coconut

sweet and restful

i heard Manila around the corner

Nanay loved it and planned

to go to church there

I don't remember what else we had

but the husk of coconut leaves

and the laughter you fed me

2010-11-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

Grief.

its painful to write or say

restless sleep

or spirit visit

roosters laugh

or Teresita's

i feel like the other woman

left aside

where deep emotions were shared

and anger unfiltered

it's hard to see someone's sadness

and harder to accept it as a gift

it's not the iconization that's special

nor the thick stubby hands that held the community

but the pain offered to you

and allowed to see and share.

grief

2010-10-09T17:24:00.001-07:00

back. what does it feel to be back?

how does it feel to be back?

am i back if i leave again in less than a month?

back to back it seems.

this time last week, i was seranading in the City...daw

Harana's in the Heart

with Allos' on my mind as he journeyed

up and down California

from box-cars to violence

while I get flown to be seen

because of who I am

much has changed and yet so little

when a few States away, browns

need to prove who they may be

like Klamath Falls

do i fall when people revel

at the Tagalog Serenade that we recite

up and down the coast he writes

while up and down the coast I speak

at dimsum last night

it seemed 55 years back

when we were constantly compared

to you Asians

nearly half the population of the world

The Han and Hindi has more than a billion

i wanna be a billionaire too

stigmatized into a Empress Pavilion restaurant

did you know the Middle East is in Asia

or parts of Russia, Afghans and Balinese warriors

'you Asians like Peking Duck'

i dont get offended i educate

how far have we gone little brown kin

my bruddah, kababayan and cuzin

of howlie hospital love affairs

while ginsberg howled at me

North Beach city lights streetcar and trollies

Chinatowns and Chinatowns

there are Pinoys in Chinatowns

and now Viet-Congs, Hmongs

and Khmer Lipsticks with Mint Tea

and objectificados

how gone we have far

enough when

my palate is paid speaking in "k's" and "ng's"

Plosives and Nasals exploding

like teaching Rhetoric to those...

and shot down with slips of "i's" and"eee's"

I heet it sometimes slips out like

Home Depot has something to say

they can't ask for my passport

or my St. Domingo Rosaries

or my Bismillah Beads

Allos' Ive dreamt of the day when we're faced to face sharing stories of prose and icons

Rizal and Sartre will nada speak

but Macario might rise up

and help

yelp

gulp

tell me how I can return back to Oregon

again and again

and watch my twin live with her porcelain

as an 18 yr. old cries on my shoulder

"how can I not be shy?"

you ask me this

young lad

me - a 12 yr old immigrant of unwanted parentage

fat dimples, and thick furrowing eyebros

able to speak English but unable to be understood

how can I not be shy you ask me youngen'

when i tried so hard to dirty up my room

so people might like me

and shave my head to reach out and touch ...fay

or resort to conversing,

or conversating to lined paper and befriending a #2

so that no one can hear me speak.

Allos, tell this boy from Bend, Oskalooza, Lindsberg, or Yuma

how we can tell stories by pointing our lips

north south east west sideways highways

or swaying our hips to cajon's, cellos, octavinas and woodern sticks

tell him how we can switch tongues

from Iberia to Nihonggo, Y'luh to Okey Dokey

Panggalatok, Chabacano, Visaya, Ilocano

Kapampangan - mekeni ...saaaaguli.

Di'le, Sabihin Mo, Tu sabes Allos

cuando lluegue in nuestro Pais

nuestro Amerika

Wala silang sinabi kung hindi

Welcome, welcome home, welcome back

We will

hug, kiss, slap, swear, beat, hold, educate, assimilate, hate, touch caress, and belt, spit, spank, lullaby

embrace you and haze you all at once.

2010-09-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

Paradise amidst 2 hours traffic
The birds chatter about like this big city where Japanese tourists mill about
Among veterans and Aussies
While Poipu offers almost 150 years of Asian in the island
The silence of hwy 50 and the thunder of Na’pali
Doesn’t compare to some sights my ears

have seen before
The hula dancers of the sunset

where pinoy, hapa and Hawaiians
Disney us all around

One can get offended by the exoticism of our features
Where people not as nice to me in Waikiki because Im a local that’s estranged
From their Rainbow Drive-Ins and Malasadas
Lost it seems was the only way to be in Honolulu
Where we were in constant search of poi and poke
And Lihue offered the best nourishment of air and breeze
And filled my stomach with the Waimea Canyon
Or the Missiled Center hidden away by the end of the road.
At Hulas we can sit and stare as Kone of plantation families
Descend from their swag and pidgin dance
While the eyes spoke to many smiling about the
Sweet coconut smile of Coffee roaster and waterfall dreams
Red is the colour of my skin and the landscape of the elder isle
While turquoise is on the edge of all the sinews of Oahu.
The rooster crowed today telling us to leave
But the rainfall of Kauai beckoned us to come back soon
There is always somewhere where it’s silent
You can tuck yourself away around a coconut tree
Or just behind Ni’iahu, where the sun retires and the moon
Awakes in it’s full glory.

Honolulu, Lihue
9/24/10

Kauai Beach Resort

2010-09-23T01:38:00.000-07:00

the ocean is heard across from me
like one of those Cd's you buy of Ocean Waves
but it just so happens that they really are here.

the silence is what I have been waiting for for a week
the snake of the Wameia Canyon turned us inside up
and the the kid smiled at the Coffee plantation
nor we were entering a naval missile training zone
just so my ma can look for expendetures in a 7 eleven NEX mini mart

having suchi and ahi at the waterfall was not a great idea
with all the wind gushing in
but this place, so red and already deep in my heart.

2010-09-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

Sept. 9, Thursday - Intellegentsia

Been back since Monday evening. It's good to be back and come home to a home. When I got back last year, it was straight to Angie's who opened her home to me without qualms. As old habits came back. It's good to have some sort of family here, and a bed, and windows that look over the hills and palm trees of Silverlake.

There's nothing like rest really. I took a nap in the living room after making lunch. I have not much to say today but the things that swim around my mind. Ramadan ends tomorrow, a day before the 9/11 anniversary. People are up in arms regarding the Mosque that is not going to be built now at Ground Zero. There's so much anger and pain in both sides of the spectrum. I will remain silent.

2010-09-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

Sept. 5, Sunday - Eagle Crest

The last night before I go back home from the tour of a lifetime. There's jelousy inside of me that I have to address. Yes, we all get jelous at time. ut I do feel that some people will manipulate themselves to certain things to get what they want regardless of how they do it. Yes, I am complaining also about complainers who I don't feel deserve to get it, but neverthless, I am complaining. That felt good.

Let me tell you something, it has been an AMAZING tour! Eastern Michigan is so good to be the place to end a tour before going back to LA. UCSD is in 10 days but it's the icing on the cake.
I am in complete gratitude to the Emp, as he has seen so much in me that I don't think i really had until I started Playfair. Someone came up to me after EMU's show asking if I speak at leadership conference. It was a student this time. Cal Lutherasn has approached me and I am hoping to eventually do it. It is the moments where I speak that grab this people's attention. The part that is personal to me, the words that came from my mouth...about my family and my history. The calling is finding me to lead elsewhere completely different from what I am doing at schools. It's exciting, bittersweet and altogether daunting all at the same time. I am loving every moment of it!

The ease in speaking is getting better, although there were 4 people that we talking while I was there who eventually left. I had no problem with that because the 1,000 students there that were listening made the difference to me. All my Chi-town peeps represnted, Detroit as well, and everyone around.

The feeling of so many people really listening and getting into it is a complete high for me. You preach on Sundays and that's just what I did.

The last 4 shows were pretty amazing really:

Johnson and Wales : A girl crying because of her share about the step-dad who told her to go to college and has now passed.

Wartburg: The Africa Bambazaa, and howling at the moon of the Knights. Students coming after, many of whom are International Students.

Luther: The Prayer service and the amazing willingness of the students to get out of their box. So many came up afterwards and in feull gratitude.

2010-08-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

August 31, Tuesday - Denver Airport

The show at Linfield had it's quirks but altogether was a very good show. Go with the flow. It was mostly attended by women by the guys who did show up represented very well. In fact, 2 came up to me after the show, one asked for my contact infor and the other cried because he felt to shy to meet people. I stayed with him and assured him that he already met many people tonight. It was a very touching event, including the "Who inspires you," and everything else, but most of all, they did seem to have a grand ole' time. I did feel I might have been too aggro at some points.

September 3, Friday - Denver Red Lion

The last 3 days have been somewhat an easy non-stop move. After arriving at Cedar Rapids 3 days ago, I had to drive 2.5 hours to get to Decorah. Because of the time difference, I made it just in time. Luther is one of those schools that I would love to teach at. Everyone is corteous and kinds. The feel is very similar to Cal Lutheran and Butler University. A prime example of a Midwestern population. I was back at the Sperlati House but the bigger room with a private bathroom. they have upgraded to HD flat screen TV. But besides all that, the school is just charming situated in higher elevation and surrounded by trees. Kris was just as hospitable as ever, handing me 2 shirts, a Subway gift card, and paying for breakfast in the morning. The R.A.'s were joined by members from the Diversity Center and training was always a pleasure. Often times, my mind wanders into a dream state. One of the kids was a spitting image of H. which really took me by surprise, and found myself glancing over several times during the show.
The actual event was a big success proceeded by an ice cream social after the show. the kids complimented me afterwards thanking me for the Inspiration. It feels so good when you touch a chord with others. It poured after. It poured and I was drenched in rain on my way to Subway and saw the same lady who was there last year. Kinda like the same lady who is my bartender right now at the hotel. Not much happened after, just headed home and passed out after dinner.

Kris and I had breakfast the next day after spending the morning at the verandah of the house. It's so peaceful and quiet. After bfast, I got a cap at the store then joined Renee for a morning service at their chapel. Being a school known for their music, the hymnals sounded beautiful. the Director of the Diversity Center introduced herself to me. I drove through downtown and left for Waverly to get ready for Wartburg College, Luther's sister school and rival. Sarah and I went toe the President's dinner once again but due to the rain, it was held indoors at the school and not at the backyard of the President's house, which I would have preferred. The two guys in Orange joined our table who seemed to be a cute couple and 2 sister who work for the school were also at our table. It does remind me so much of a very Midwestern suburban event. I got to taste Iowan Red Wine for the first time and was impressed by it. It tasted almost like a port wine.

September 4, Saturday - Eagle Crest Ypsilanti, MI

4 different time zones can keep you awake at

From Knight dancing in the dark in the middle of cornfields
where Iowans and Africans intermingle and Dougie;
to the Hogwarts culinary feast of WIGI's and old acquaintances
regardless of WI friends knowing one another
Cali neighbors knocking along their sweetness are infectious.
Painted Hairstyles up in the aire like Ringling Ones
It's the people that affect me here I am in Denver
where a young lass might cry
because it was her step-dad that influenced her to be here tonight,

not the Wal Marts of Waverly where I must've stopped
and visited every chance I got.
I gallop thru Cedar Falls by wooden bridges and a hidden tunnel
and get stopped by cops - they warn and pass the Shell from the Golden Years.

The mile high over water and Quebec paved roads galloping
by old airports and football parks,

Tonight, Lake Huron watches me from inside.
in the midst of the holy month, he returns to pick me up
all smiles during this time when we must hide who we are
even if Border patrol stops is short and asking whatnot.
Did UMich beat UConn, or Midwesterners like their drink with sports.
It seems old to repeat the same places every year.
The four time zones where I have been before,
a galloping mare in silence and suppresion.
It's almost time to go home, and leave again.

Sept. 5, Sunday

The Mare galloped
Hudson Bay it went above stick branches and 94
little pockets of purple flowers
and a bridge rickety

and dipped among a father son swimming
the boy racing and the other smiling
grandma taking photos
they were here last night.

Ypsi seems quiet as he treaded along
cafe's here and there
ladies praising bible youngens
hangin on the side

soon to gallop westward
as it winds down.

2010-08-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

August 30, Monday

McMenamin's Hotel Oregon

Aaron recommended I come to have a cup of Joe here and decided to stay in for a quick dinner at the rooftop. The sun is bright but the wind is crisp and a cool breeze is coming by. the view of all the trees surrounding the hotel is calming. I'm sure th Sunset here is beautiful. The day went by swiftly as soon as I left the Marriot and headed over the Avalon Hotel and Spa situated right by the Cottonwood Bay where I eventually ran after winding down at the room and the balcony that overlooks the hillside of the Bay.

While running, I passed by kids kayaking and elderly riding those 3 wheeled cycles. Cottonwood Bay eventuually lead to Willamette River and the run suddenly turned breathtalking. I had to stop listening to the music, and just enjoyed the view. When I arrived back to the hotel, I went into the Spa and steamed to open up my tired pores.

N. picked me up around noon and we had lunch at Isabel's - a Mex-Asian fusion at the Pearl District. Yes, there was awkwardness but I now re-call why I was attracted to this person. The smile, the sweetness and also the shyness that comes out of the body.

We walked around the Alphabet District where N. lives and saw the pretty Victorian influenced houses. One of which was an old brothel which is now a pastel colored place. And before going back to the hotel, we stopped by the Washington Park, where different gardens appear to the public, one of which is an extensive Rose Garden. We didn't have time to go to the Japanese Garden as it was larger and asked for admission.

Last night was special because it was Diana that I saw this year and not Donna. They picked me up at the Marriott and headed straightway to their house in North POrtland. Both being in the artistic design side, the home was minimal and specifically pretty. Aaron did some of the carpentry in the house as Dae did the curtains. I was really impressed to see them moving up and forward as a family whether they have children or not.

Dinner at a converted Firehouse and desserts somewhere in N. Portland where we had Port, Marsipan and Tiramisu.

2010-08-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

If you were here
i will shower you with kisses
like the raindrops dripping from the windowsill
i will sing you a lullaby
like the songs of shower morning Portland mist.

If you were here, we'd stay in bed : bathrobes and scones
I will create calligraphies on the beauty of your back
and watch your eyelasses dance.

or sink in the bathtub filled with milk and honey
while laughing at the faces you make that smiles me upright

if you were here, I'd hold you tight
I'd be up all night and enjoy the wine of wonder at the Avalon...

2010-08-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

August 21, Saturday
It has been a week of different cities and states.
Started out in Atlanta, drove to Americus, and headed to Georgia Southwest State U.
The sound board room reeked of weed, no wonder Jonathan was always going off somewhere every time a new sound cue came along.
then spent 2 nights at the Midtowne W.
From there, I drove to Mentone, AL at the Camp Skyline and stayed in a stone cabin.
It was an early drive to the airport passing thru Chatanooga, TN before arriving to ATL once again. It was a nice reunion at Wilmington after flying into Dayton. Left 2 days later to fly into Sarasota, FL after a pit stop in Charlotte, NC. Ringling was a circus and there's really nothing like it. This morning did take a long time, upon arrive to ATL, my flight was cancelled and Delta re-booked me to a later flight. After loosing my cool on the phone while already waiting in-line, I got my assigned seat and a meal voucher. It takes a little gesture like so that makes it seem ok.
Then flight 1307 was delayed for another hour, leaving at 355 instead of 305pm.
We are almost in San Antonio where I will have to rent a car then drive to Trinity for a show tonight. It’s a lesson of patience today, after a brief Serenity Prayer, everything seems to flow.

August 24, Tuesday
William Penn, a ghetto show with predominantly athletes. Who woulda thought, an urban setting in Oskaloosa, IA. It started out rough with an unwilling group of RA's as trainees. Their resistance was a little annoying, but it certainly was something to get them out of the box. It did go well at the end especially when the activities involved athleticism and dancing. It's great to see students get into, especially when the didn't know they were even gonn make it to college. Mostly 1st generation college students.

Butler in Indianapolis was ballistic as usual. I dont think Icepick knew what was gonna happen as they just went all out. After a long travel delay to get to Indianapolis, all the annoyances I dealt with seem to dissipate when I arrived at Butler and they welcomed me with open arms.

Schreiner was about 60 miles from San Antonio and for a 1st time school to participate in the show, it was very succesful except for the fact that there were ants on the grass, so they didn't want to sit. They sure did want to dance though. It's another school that is remniscient from William Penn but predominantly white, and the other is Latino and Black. It's really great to see joy in students when they know it's not gonna be so bad after all.

Trinity was harder to deal with due to the bad sound system that couldn't handle all the students as they arrived. Andre did his best regarding the system and it did work ou after all and it was still a very powerful event. OF course, there was a prolonged dance party thereafter. And I headed down by the Alamo to unwind.

August 26, Thursday
Nice to have a day-off, and do laundry as well. See, I had the option of staying in Houston when I arrived there yesterday or driving to Austin, a city I've been wanting to go to for 12 years. So I went here in stead and now I just had coffee and a bran muffin at Mozart's which is situated right by Lake Austin. There are few restaurants here and a meditation center. There is a boat dock and by the looks of it, this is an oyster farm. Is that what you call it?

People have been generally very nice, after I tell them what I am doing. The lady who checked me in last night was from Indianapolis and we exchanged stories of being a leader. She comped my parking, gave me interner access and a late check-out. Not expected but definitely appreciated. I took a dip at the pool where I am staying, (Radisson) which is the best one that I've been to during this tour, at least so far.

I ended up having dinner, a late one, at the Parkside which so happened to be an oyster bar. It was the first decent one that I came across, and it was my first meal of the day. I walked around 6th street and listened to the bands playing as I walked by. I ended up at Oil Can Harry's at the Warehouse District, which is oddly enough, where straight bars are on one side and alternative on the other. Listened to some people do Karaoke, and good singers too. Most of the clubs I went into where still empty. I'm never one for staying at a place by myself when everyone knows each other, not unless it was packed. Well, at least last night, that was the case. I've been swimming more than usual and I'm about to head out to Lake Travis and Barton Springs, we'll see how it all goes.

August 27, Friday
Vegetarian Meatloaf. Yes, they have it in Houston at a really quaint part of town called Montrose. Of course, it happens to be the gay capital of the city as Austin is the gay capital of the state.
Austin went briskly and I could’ve stayed there longer than 18 hours. Lake Travis is situated in a beautiful part of Austin where you have to drive uphill among trees and rocks. Driving in so many highways and uphill made me slightly nervous. The Lake was almost empty besides a Latino couple with a baby, someone swimming and some Asian guy on the phone. I thought he might have been cruising me, but it could be that it was unusual to see Asians are remote places like this. The only thing about the Lake was that there wasn’t definitive track for people to run, well, there’s a something
That leads to Barbecue pits with tents. At one point, I came across 3 vultures seeming to be just kicking it. They simply flew away and I proceeded to run. Not much time in the area, although it was a huge lake to deserved some attention from onlookers. I headed back to my car.
“ Are you from here?” the Asian guy asked. To make a seemingly interesting story short, he asked if I was gonna head to the nude area of the Lake. Hmmm. Thought for a moment. Not really, and immediately left. Barton Springs was closed so I ended up back at the hotel and ran by the Lakeside where an old Bell Tower stood tall. Austin is really a cute city, friendly outdoorsy in that sense, people just running about. By 2 pm, I was heading back to Houston where the Hilton Post Oak awaits. It’s always the last leg of the drive that exhausts me, the last 30 minutes. Passed thru Sonics and had a Chix Sandwich on wheat bread.
Hilton Post Oak is located literally at what I would deem as Houston’s Beverly Hills, which meant, I don’t really feel kin to hang out at. It was around 5pm when I arrived,
agent checked me in. When he declined adding my Hilton Honors Points because it was bought on Priceline, he offered me a late check-out, complimentary wireless and a free continental breakfast mind you turned out to be a full breakfast). The Radisson gave free parking and internet also. One just has to be nice to another. Room 1225 is a corner room with a city view situated in the Hilton Honors floor. The long balcony and wall to wall glass makes the room bigger than it is. When you work hard, you deserve some luxurious treatments. The blue Greco-Roman inspired pool on the 2nd floor is glorious, and I went there immediately before I met with JW. Thanks to this BeGrouped Mobile Social Networking thing he started, we figured out that we were both in the city. It did took me awhile to get to Willowbrook Mall, as it was the halfway meeting point. Word of advice, GPS doesn’t always work, and also, try not to get lost in Houston Freeway, you will run out of cash because of toll ways.
Papadeaux is a Louisiana themed restaurant where seafood is their specialty, and the catfish was just so good. We went over our budget, well, I know I did. JW’s is an interesting guy and a very intelligent Tech guy, especially for starting this whole BeGrouped website that is basically mass texting. It has kept all Playfairians connected in more ways than none. Heading back was hella easy. I was exhausted by the time I got back. I did some emails, watched tv, and sober went to bed with the view of the city.
North Harris College is part of the Lone Star Colleges, in fact JW’s was doing Tumball the same time I was performing. It’s predominantly working students as well as older students. A very mixed group regarding Diversity, in fact there was some Pinoys in the crowd. It took awhile to get the students after the training, and it basically became a 45 minute Playfair. I cut out many of the activities like How to Start, Circle Sit, Back to back, etc. It was definitely still a very good show and it seemed that all of them enjoyed it. In fact, the Celebrity was an older lady and she was great.
All this leads me back to Montrose, at a restaurant called Baba Yega. A Mediterranean themed restaurant which is in a classic Victorian House. I’ve realized that eating at the bar is always good when you wanna converse with locals. An elder gentleman took a look at me as we crossed each other on my way back from their beautiful garden. It so happened that he came to the toilet after I had gone in. Figures. Always acknowledge those who hit on you, then proceed with your business. I’m sure the guy at Blake’s during one of my few “Hike,” wouldn’t have minded to kick it longer. Among pre-op transsexuals performing, we had a good chat and bought each other drinks. And that was all.

August 15, Sunday

2010-08-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

W is sweet.
in Midtowne Atlanta where Dominique and Briana took care of me like no other.
got me on 1701 with a slight city view of the city.
the amenities for this hotel is commendable with the interior very sheek modern.

After a chat with Briana, she sent a box of choco and crystallized pecans, with a drink, toffee lollipop and some candies, that came along with a card that has a $40 Spice Market.

the pool on the 5th floor is very quaint among trees and buildings and the work-out room has all that you need. the best part I must say is the area, close to the Gay bars and Piedmont park.
Had take-away from the Flying Biscuit once again and had the barbecue salmon salad which I must say was delicious.

It's the perfect set-up after the Quality Inn in Americus, GA and, a meal at the hillside cafe and merlot in a styrofoam bar where guy in trucker caps sang song in the karaoke.

GSW is an interesting school, the kids seemed to have a good time but the Orientation Leaders where quite the hit.

August 15, Sunday

2010-08-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

modern technology from wireless to GPS to mobile to
an air conditioned tenement
doesn't matter when they disappear in the middle of Stewart Country
It has nothing against the Hannahatchee creek and the Pecan trees

the rain visited now and then embellishing the way to Americus

a pint of Blue Moon atop a hill and red wine in a styrofoam cup
while trucker's caps and khaki shorts buzzed in the Saturday night
sang in the karaoke room of the Hillside Bar.

2010-07-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

St. Regis Monarch Beach Hotel
2 nights of bliss
sourrounded by wedding couples
and little Sam with his gay parents

So many came to greet us in this Tuscan mansion
in Dana Point
all because of who wer are
A Patio meal famished after the drive.

A walk around the pool and cocktail hour with Doubting Thomas
there's not much to ask for when the send Champagne with Chocolate Strawberries
Cheese and Cracker Plate.

There's kindness and money in their eyes
and a slew of beauty
in the rooms.
We can all swim in the glass showers and deep bath sink.
and peek thru the window of soft down sheets.

in robes and smiles
in robes and smiles

2010-07-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

This time last year was when I last saw you mocking me and loving me at the same time. After a few months of not talking nor having any connections, it was more of a reflection of both our insecurities coming along. On the phone and talking aloud during the show. It was the last time I rememebr that band who is now in existence somewhere else, not here, without me.

Looking over profiles, I came across an acquaintance and saw the two of you on the picture. It seems you are skinnier, bonier in fact and it touched a chord inside of me. It wasn't the right time, nore were you the right person. I'm sad, it's sad what had happened between us. I take part in lying and taking it out on her, to whom I still think about but do nothing. Bless your hearts and bon chance'

It started out with birds

2010-07-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

the window was left open last night, it was a cool breeze while dreams took a visit.
my body was up by 630 am and so was the sun, tapping with its rays like a kid peeking through.
it was still quiet which was the preferance.

Timo stopped by last night to drop off a check for the boy band song I recorded for a tv show
One thousand ways to die. So today, I decided to run to the bank to deposit the money and then the train to Hollywood/Vine . The cardio consisted of the 1.25 mile run, and the stairs down and back up in the station. Robert was at the gym, and so were many other options, and I had just been thinking of him. He booked his flight to Quebec, funny, I was just where the French Canadians were exiled to in the 18th century. I couldn't help but cruise without touching. Acceptable I suppose, not dead ya know.

Afterwards, I headed towards Trader Joe's and did the grocery that I had avoided in the past week. Dax was there, it must've been more than 6 years when I last saw him. I recognized him only by the tatoos he had, like character of the same name in Deep Space Nine.

I'm home for 2 weeks before the retreat so I have time to cook. In fact, I will tonight.
The bus ride home was reasonable with some waiting occuring for the driver. Franky cut my hair into the Faux Hawk pompadour after I dropped off the grocery . Then I headed back out to Hollywood to watch " Girl who played with Fire." I wasn't impressed, actually disappointed. I always think that when familal bonds get in the way of espionage films, it becomes stupid and trite. Neverthless, I got to go and walk around my old neighborhood.

Now, I'm here at an Echo Park Cafe in front of Rodeo Mexican Grill doing my best in avoiding
"America is in the Heart." The book is depressing and has many parallels with my own life. This maybe why I am being slothful. Or maybe, I'm just using that as an excuse TO be slothful.

Vermilionville

2010-07-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

140am flight from LAX is not very exciting when you've been traveling all day.
From hanging above aire in Memphis for over 40 mintes due to a problem with the weather, then the flight delayed for well over an hour, spending every minute in Lafayette after Bastille Day was going to be relished and it was...after a 3 hour nap.

Paul picked me up at the airport and we headed immediately to have lunch at Collage cafe where Ydal, the owner surprised him from the back. The Pecan Penne Pasta with Shrimp was just right after a long haul of overnight travel. Although, I didn't go around the downtown area, it was enough to eat among locals. The Hilton Garden Inn welcomed me back like I never left, they were very amiable.

After resting for a few hours, it was time for a run. The treadmill was not very appetizing, therefore I decided to go around the Cajun Dome. The humidity was still pretty aggresive but offered some wind. I knew that a good work-out was necessary if I were to eat the Catfish
Po-Boy that I saw on the hotel menu. I wasn't planning to go out for dinner, and given that they had some Cajun meal and air condition, no one was gonna get me outta here. I was not disappointed.

Today, there was one thing I had in mind...Vermilionville, an Historical site with refurbished Homes from mid 18th and 19th century. After a run to the other side of the CajunDome, I was ready. The cab ride was around $14 incl. tip and good thing the driver came back to drop my camera when I forgot it inside the cab. Lunch at the site restaurant was not amazing, but sufficed
because of the locale and the pleasant waitress. It was also a surprise but I'm sure quite common to hear French speakers around the area. There was a French-speaking student group and a group of three speaking in the native Louisiana tongue. Something about this state draws me in. Well, I suppose the French influenced areas. The homes were restored to its original facade, from work stations, homes, chapels, budiours, etc. but what really drew me in was the bayou and the sounds of the insects around the area. Being inside one of these homes really allows you to feel what it was like for the Cajuns and Creoles of times past. Another great part about it was the it was mostly desolate which provided the solitude I was seeking.

Nap time even for 40 minute regardless if the mobile was ringing. Paul dropped by as we headed to Community Coffeehouse and he got treated for a Latte, ah! didnt think about a Cafe Au Lait w/Chickory. The show was received better than 2 weeks ago and some commented that it was the best yet which was a great cmopliment. Something about speaking in Cajun French allowed me to be a part of this group. Even the Training for the leaders was off the hook. I did feel awkward to watch some of the OL's and OG's dance like nobody's business, and it was a treat to see Paul have a great time as we took the camera from him and he danced with the rest of the crew. Ragin' Cajun'. This is not gonna be the last this place will see me as I have lived here before in another lifetime.

La Jolla

2010-07-11T06:17:00.000-07:00

It was a room surrounded by trees in this safari of jewels and chocolate strawberries.
Arriving early enough for lunch at the restaurant, they had a corner room ready for us with a balcony that goes all the way around the room. After a nearly fatal argument about wanting to leave early and rushing him to leave, (when he waited around for me to get ready, go to Jon's and water his plants) I had to fess up and tell him that our room was ready and explained that my eagerness had to do with my insistance in calling the hotel and telling them that it's our anniversary. Doors slammed, "fuck," included in the verbage, we talked it out and were able to leave early enough to arrive at the Westin at La Jolla Village before 1pm. Our room was breathtaking, cozy inside but the wall to wall glass windows made up for it and the balcony certainly did. Lunch downstairs was just right, as I practiced my Tagalog with Jesus who served us fresh bread and talking about servitude.

Before we walked out to get some coffee, a gentleman came by with a bottle of champagne and a plate of chocolate covered strawberries. Yes, it was indeed like an anniversary as we did meet 7 years ago around this time. We left to walk around the mall and returned to take a small nap before heading to the gym where kids were swimming amok inside and Filipinas frolicked loudly at the outside pool. When I spoke to them in Tagalog, they weren't very welcoming. Neverthless, we still swam before chatting it up with a couple going to Cal Lutheran in the jacuzzi. We had some champagne in the balcony and tried the strawberries, me in my towel and Jeff ins his swim trunks. He's grown on me, his sweetnees and amiability. It's true that my eyes wonder, but whose doesn't.

Downtown was quaint, saw some seals in the dark as it was already dusk, and I was getting hungry. We settled for a pub called the Spot after perousing several restaurants. Compared to Laguna, and remnisicent of it, the prizes for food was less expensive. Having a University and making sure students can afford it probably made this difference.

"Do you know how to get back," I asked as we got into the car. He nodded, so we proceeded to get lost and I zipped the lip. He finally asked someone outside when it looked that Claremont was not close to La Jolla Village, nor the same clientele present. I remained quiet, but not annoyed. On the contrary, I thought it was funny and giggling inside as we drove further away from our hotel.

The night was lovely, the darkness surrounding the room and the dim lights of the balcony providing a very romantic aura. The champagne was consummed in addition to the black forest cake we purchased downtown, in addition to the Red he had brought and the
choco-strawberries. I was getting tipsy by the end of the night and fell fast asleep. A decadent way to end the night.

Pacific Northwest, Acadiana and Texas

2010-07-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

Several shows by now and been around new and old friends
Bernie, Esther and Tamara in Seattle during the College for Success Conference.
Tumwater is filled with trees and the hotel was in the middle of nowhere.
Even with the amount of time that passed between us, we were still able to enjoy each other's company. Bernie's daughter Bella is quite the treat even if it took awhile for her to warm up to me. They live just right outside of Tacoma, and since Lacey, where I was goiong to perform
(St. Martin's University is close by to her parents) I ended up staying the night over the home.
Esther on the other hand brought tidings from Starbuck's the next day when it was revealed to her that I am a coffee fanatic.

In Lafayette, it was the Hilton Garden Inn
and being in Acadiana was quite a treat. Although it took forever to get there with delayed flights, emergency landing and Hurricane Alex, it was a good experience for me to be
in the heart of French Louisiana. The humidity nearly dried all my pores the next day when
I decided to run outside and nearly got hit by the drivers.

And tonight, only for a night, it was University of North Texas where the clientele is completely different, small town kids to Dallas Kids, a mixture of backgrounds. I ate Chicken Fried Steak at the Pourhouse by the Homewood Suites where I am staying and got some Sonic Drive-thru meal. I am not exactly sure how the kids took to it, the OL's seemed to have the most fun as they were dancing by the end. All the youthful energy was intensified. I'm just not so sure how the Christian students felt about it. During "Who Inspires Me," some mentioned "G*d" as their inspiration. Neverthless, I think it went well.

Puget Sound

2010-06-22T07:37:00.001-07:00

Surrounded by Trees on the Puget Sound
it takes awhile before you see humanity
they will bow down, these giant trunks
and let you walk among their branches

There's a small sign that tells me
aircrafts hover over among birds
and the Capitol peeks thru

We gathered at St. Martin's
all first-gen college students
and shared the strength of our hope

here among the trees by Olympia

2010-04-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

First night off where I get to be home alone without much to do. All I did was make dinner and watch TV. Not some good show I have been wanting to watch, just something to stare at while I eat. See, I woke up early in the morning next to Jefe feeling anxoius..about everything.... relationship, work at SIPA ending next month, even working there for the next 3 weeks, the Al Anon show I am directing, not knowing what's going on with my car, money and bills, my mother, auditioning again. So much in my head as I woke up this morning. All I wanted to do was go home and have a cigarette. It was definitely a very anxious morning to begin with after a weekend of what we have not called Stay-cation. From running through the Greystone Mansion, Mann Chinese theater, Dodger Game, Danny's Gay Divorcee gathering, HB visit with his cousin, Ditto's home filled with artwork and snekaing outside the Schindler House. It was busy indeed and spent much of my time with Jefe. This had been the 6th month that we've been together, well, the beginnings of our 6 month.

2010-03-29T09:26:00.001-07:00

Rojo
peeked into my life
a snowstorm of LAmposts
palm trees looking down at Le Lune
we watched above us as Sleep takes you
into twitches and birdsongs

Degas wasn't there
when the sun bid farewell
but the blue dog barked away eggs and Campbell Soup
maybe it's Silence I seek at times amidst
"Ceci n'est pas une pipe"

Rojo
the realtor who gave me a home
inside his heart
tumutltuous with samba and shimmies
Buddha boys shaking it
in their cellophane cover-ups

I gawk at times to see if Red is Real
even if mannequins surround us

rojo~

2010-03-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

Green dancing in this beautiful spring morning
birds haven't stopped singing since I got home at 9am
slow and steady as I drank my espresso, cereal and bibingka
left over from yesterday's food fest.

I glance over the time to see if he's gotten off work
1 more minute.
my calves are tired from walking uphill and running downhill
on Griffith Park Blvd.

Instead of buying a headset mic to record my voice,
my arms withstood 3 long blocks, from Lucille to Micheltorena
passing by the Farmer's Market, carrying a ntable.
"In lieu of the gym," I told Antonio, owner of Chulerias where I bought the table.
I came back to cary the 2 chairs afterwards. It fits perfectly in the kitchen.
You can have a seat and have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and look out at the trees
outside. It's a sanctuary really; to look at the foliage, feel the breeze of the wind, hear Bernie
bark at the birds singing away.

Mama's gonna be here 5 weeks from now and it would be nice for her to see Silverlake as much as she can. There is so much nature here, great stairs for a short hike, the houses on top of the hill, and of course the countless stores, cafes and restaurants. There really is nothing else but to be grateful to be living in this cottage. One couldn't ask ofr anything more.

2010-03-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

Of course after that cigarette, I woke up with bad breathe and felt like sulfur inside my whole mouth for the rest of the day. It was an early day at SIPA as Peter, Wes and I went to the Flower district downtown. It was pretty immediate as you watch people getting their flowers on. Boyfriends and husbands holding bouquets at hand while their spouses go rampant bargaining and getting the prettiest once for Spring. Peter was going to take us out for the Buffet Breakfast at the Sheraton where the Gala is going to be held but we ran out of time and ended up at House of Pies in Los Feliz. Remind me never to order the Crab cakes Benedict there ever again, in fact, remind me not to order it anywhere else in the world! By the time we got back to the office, it was noon and I still had alot of work to get done. Planning out all the media sponsors CAN be grueling, which could've been harder if I have not done it for Mezclao. Speaking of which, I am starting to get ansy to do something for the company once again. Hopefully, more people will come aboard I had to start it all over again. Working for a succesful non-profit organization has taught me so much of the do's and don'ts in fundraising. PAUSE, BREATHE &TAKE YOUR TIME are essential in running a company. Planning is always key.

Anyway, Peter and I didn't last long at the office so we left around 3pm and found ourselves at Manila Sunset with Bibingka at hand and Halo-Halo for merienda. Mind you, I was still slightly full from that Crab Cakes Fiasco. It took me longer than expected to get to Jeff's as I had to lie down and relax. The night before was filled with dreaming of crack addicts running after me in the dark by a tunnel. Hence, I didn't sleep much.

By the time I got to his house, my stomach was starting to feel everything that I have eaten, including the Shrimp and Mahi-mahi tacos from teh day prior. We still ate at Chi Dynasty as I wanted to treat him for what I coined " 6 days before 6," a continuous celebration 6 days prior to our 6th month. The meal was good, besides the fact that my stomach released at their toilet.
It's a pretty restaurant remniscient to a Beijing restaurant. On our way back, we sauntered to Los Feliz and stopped by Skylight Books. We ended the evening with some Bibingka with coconut sprinkled above it and some chocolate soy ice cream with sliced fresh strawberries. It turns out that Bibingka is an acquired taste, one could tell from his expression that he didn't like it much.
Soon enough, we were passed out on his couch. Passed Out.

2010-03-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

The day started with an email from Elisabetha stating that she had to go back to Vienna to be with her family due to a thyroid condition. She was to play my wife in a musical I was directing.
Poor thing, so beautiful and yet so frail. the day just seemed to go on with me listening to people as it's my profession. The lunch I had with Melissa was a nice reunion. She is doing a triathlon and told me all about it over fish tacos at the Baja Fresh on Sunset and Vine. It was a beautiful day outside to wait for her. For some reason, I just felt calm as we ate and she talked. I spoke of Jeff near the end of our conversation. She told me of the girls she now has in her life which she's been longing to have. Some of us just need a wall to lean on, I suppose. I have Albert, Chris and Fauzi whom I always call. Chicago, Arizona and Kuala Lumpur. Sometimes it's hard not to have your closest friends in front of you.

During class, everyone is rehearsing " Sonnets from the Portuguese," and Westley was up first. The poem deals about a loved one who has passed on. He used his mother whom I didn't realize was actually dead. But it certainly was not my intention to go THAT deep with the first student. I could tell it bugged him for the rest of class. The class afterwards was easier as the girls in the class have an attention span of a milli-second.

Some faculty member had planned to go to Happy Hour at 530 today and 5 of us went to Capitol City on Cahuenga in between Selma and Hollywood. It was your typical Hollywood Sports Bar. College basketball on screens everywhere. Anne was next to me, one of the first people I met here in LA and the one responsible for my job at AMDA. I owe her THAT. She's going to Australia which made me think of where I'd like to go after my Playfair tour, that is if I get around 20 shows.

Afterwards, I stopped by at Skylight Books in Los Feliz to pick up 2 autographed copies of Noel Alumit's books from him. The guy from Curb your Enthusiasm was signing books he had just written. What do you tell strangers who feel they know you because of something you' ve written? Then I started thinking about who would write the preface of my first book.
At first I thought of Jessica Hagedorn, but realized that Noel has had more of an impact in my life since I met him there at Skylight in 2004. Circles, it seems that many of my past was coming back into full circles today. While we walked back to the bookstore, he talked about how as artists, we have to constantly hustle. I agree, as an artist in LA, one must always hustle, and that's probably why I just bought a pack of Marlboro Lights after a plate of Hot wings, and Absolut Tonic and a Kamikaze.

rain

2010-01-23T18:51:00.000-08:00

Will you be there
when my breathe
awakes
next to the sound
of your sigh
the rain sings to me
these nights when
we're not molded Rodin
it's gray outside
but green inside my chest
green like the sea
that falls from your eyes...

december 2009

2009-12-31T06:25:00.001-08:00

The sailor with darkened lips
Wailed with a cardboard box
Tapping Snapping Clicking the beat
Of horns and brassières
Bare chested tissue cries
For a blue haired dead lover

The dimness of the night
Reflects rouge on his cheeks
And longing of his groin

Monkey Clowns loosened
Zombie jugglers re-enact
Dali dances with Marionettes

Was she an aerialist that fell from thé sky
That enables his tears to go awry
Hé kissed his lady bon nuit
Then sailed back home

12/11/09
It was tantrums tonight
I'm not a dad or mom yet
A day that doesn't end it seems

To the forest we went
5 yr olds running rampant
In the woods
Animals Elements and Elders
12/09

Tuna to the poor on the rainy street
Anger erupting when connection subsides
A poet encircled by remembrance and birth honour
The boy sings uninhibited, his curly locks covering his face
Margaritas do mean much this time o year...

Your head lay asleep on my stomach as my teeth grinds
Do you think the neighbors sleep soundlessly
When I am inside while you sing to me?

121009
The ocean breeze singing
A tribe of thunderous warriors
Whose footprints am I sitting on

The warmth of the clouds dissuade
Any solace i encounter
It's fresh thé scent of thé sun

If i lay my ears on thé sand
Will i Hear thé rumbling waves
Of heart

I still Want to be Alone
But this Time NeXT to someoneTico took me away
To isherwood stories in thé Tokyo
Of Pasadena

We shared comfort in 2 decades
Sometimes it takes a moment for pain
To subside

Seldom can laughter mellow the
Sensés
Hé cried i noticed
But didnt say a lick
But smiled all thé way home

12/14/09

Sleep and Snow
go hand and hand
up in the air
or on land

lying on a bed of clouds

last night
i spoke w 20 years ago
in the middle of dusk
while the sun
glistened on his
windowsill

thru the web could I smell his musk
its strange to flash forward
from youth to age
smoke fills the time
w eucalyptus and sage

the head goes spinning
at times when
reliving youth cut short
with time nor apce
wearing dresses in crimson
cotton touches
and lace

sleep and snow
go hand in hand
lying on a bed of clouds
up in the air
or on land

12.08.09

i wore a skirt for G*d
and sang him songs of glory

we lived in rosaries and stab wounds
from the heart

30 boys in bunk beds

Priests and Brothers
watch us sing
cherubs in the pollution
of St. Dominic

i wore a skirt for G*d
and sang him songs of glory

12.13.09

it rained til noon
when the phone rang
i had to go abruptly

you stood by the door
as i rushed out

did you have a story to tell.
a complaint..
a smile...

12.12.09

Sent from my iPod

2009-12-30T15:31:00.000-08:00

Its hard to leave your mother at 6am
Whether you say that’s enough
Or she cries and screams

All of ‘em one upping a better way
My brother closes his ear
Its easier for me to say love to her ears
And not get involved in telling her all

Its back in manila with 5 in a bedroom
But this time with double beds
And 38th floor of the Marriot
A floor for treadmills, pool and weights

Semites congregating with joy and
It flies like snowflakes
It goes by like the snakes of the Windy City
12/29

Breathe at Bloom
Cafeneo and Julius Meinl
Places where home offered comfort and snow
Nutella on Coffee tastes too good
Whether my tia pricks my finger
For a sugar count
There are no Crispy noodles in LA
So Tico and I had some at Lincoln square
Under the tracks I hear the Snake hiss and grumble

What a way to end the decade with breathe and a blanket
Not slipping one bit when I become a dancing tree
This Western stop I spent my youth
Tonight I wanna stay longer before the last day decade

2009-12-28T19:28:00.000-08:00

one by one everyone starts to leave
from tita joji and tito genaro after the Pier
Tito tony by the blue line back to toronto
tito abel dropping us at gurnee
vince leaving to go home back to Palatine
and me tomorrow to see the last decade unfold
during the turn of the century
thai joes offered me some cowboy moo's
in 3 days it'll be the factory

people get older you know
gray hairs and balding head
they seem to get slower too
and can suddenly burst into tears
to be in touch with emotions like that
is somewhat of a treasure
im getting there
getting older you know...

2009-12-27T22:03:00.000-08:00

Snow didn't hold his strength today
all over the city he went
like rainfall does sometimes
when she's had enough

He made sure the wind
turned us pink and our legs
Ice Boxes

2009-12-27T21:46:00.001-08:00

It came here and went
Snow dripping inside the chimney
Like the 3 turkeys that were suddenly gone
Gift wraps that took time but seconds to rip apart
Chisme running wild from cousins to cousins
To Laughter and Sleep falling into one

Puto, Cheddar and Lola
No matter how old one gets
You are always a a child
In front of you nanay and tito
Sylvana and Pinoys not around
Alive or Underground, nagkwekwentuhan

Daldal ng nanany ni tito D
Ulyanin na kasi
Kahit paulit ulit ang isinasabi
Ok lang
At tawanan lang naman eh

How much more should I live up in the air
Before I come down to breath
Clouds as bed sheets
Wingtips as my mattress
The sun wakes me up before rising
Sometimes we get stuck with
the brake release broken
We just have to pull harder
And down we go like snow

It came here and went
Snow dripping inside the chimney

12/25/09

Juggling Isherwood between home cooking
embraced in synonyms and snowstorms
fear not the single men
falling flailing flaming fugue
running amidst uphill lakes & downtown smog
every moment spent is Lark flying cottonclouds
year is ending a decade anew

Jaundice it was now beauty awakes
always that sleepy smile tolerates
more to come like fingertip rainfalls
each slip hammers screws Manila walls
so it goes amok the bAkery

Harried it may seem smoke filled Chickory
up and down the Xmas light sings
pause Lou Rawls come St. James he brings
please keep sounds of snow in your pocket

12/26/09

2009-12-27T21:46:00.000-08:00

oso

2009-12-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

see
the midnight grinding of my dreams
Music undisturbed, unperturbed
locked inside your arms
whether it was St. Germain
or Evoria lullaby-ing us to sleep

listen
to sleep- how silent and calm it can be
no bunnies licking your fingertips
pinetree puppets, lesbian charities
nor foxes cussing into your ears
to these eyes, as you gallop
in between my thighs
it rains pain inside o'me

and showers glee into my stomach

feel
my stomach like hummus dipped
into my tenderloin Falafel swimming salmon
Remember rice inside pineapple
can you feel oreos in your groin
tasting your blue eyes at 4 in the morn'

hear
four in the morn
when marble awaits on your couch sometimes
when we kiss it shadows the chords of my throb

smell
the laughter we have or the people
that surround us
smell my smile tomorrow
smell the midnight grinding of my dreams

2009-12-19T13:09:00.000-08:00

there were Iceburgs in the Panoroma
pre deco bunnies staring and licking my fingertips
pine trees sick with 12 days of christmas
lezbian pasties charity dancing around
with a Mervyn shopping cart

Tolteca Goddess prancing in Red
and the puppetry of hairy armpits

there is a door into wonderland
i entered it and never turned back

3E

2009-12-17T16:08:00.000-08:00

It was an international text
pa sent after simbang gabi
it started today at 5am

the smell of Bibingka in an urn

ma said i love you son
as her co-workers sang behind her
in 5 degree weather

tita merci said some words
that weren't encouraging
i cant remember the exact words

all i know is it didn't' make me feel good

tito tony asked for me to
start accepting and believe that I deserve
joy

tito abel wondered
what the Christmas plans were
but remembered an hour later

Vince got us a discount
at the Marriot and knows
to pick me up at O'hare on the 24th

I woke up next to rice inside a pineapple
and sadeyes lacking sleep
from phone vibrations

girls' shyness onstage
youngen's watching
parents with clicking Iphone photos

Pecan samples
smiling at Lettie
it seems I've been here before

trees and the hollywood sign
ran past me shirtless
glee falling from the sky

much laughter by nightfall
new people in my life
one i lost somewhere along Prospect

close knit we can be with
hand selected conversations
and trans communications

sadeyes asleeps silently
we coiled twizzlers
and held each others warmth

it was a buzzing all day
it was 3E

2009-11-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

these pages hold alot of needles
prickling under soft coloured skin
rain drizzling down my eyes
and turmoil like Hecate
in a snow storm

these pages hold alot of time
like trucks in the middle
of Louisiana Heat
of smoke filled lungs
that I chewed inside

there were people before who went
to claim visit, but suddenly dispersed
like fog into the night

these pages hold a lot
of joy
like lasting communion w friends
dopanime rush from sweat
and endorphins bleu with love

walls

2009-11-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

We hear laughter across wooden walls
like the walls of East and West Germany
Berlin Walls
Berlin - a place I frequented at dusk
where House music lullabies
filter into the sound of this body

this body of water streaming swimming dripping
inside

the berlin wall the berlin wall
yet it comes tumbling down today two decades

so many walls like the great wall
Si Ma Tai
where Commies and Nietchze
collide
and shook my hand
whisphered waterfalls

the forbidden wall of lust
Ling Qing Dynasty
from Dynasties of privilege
here stuck in time
Plantation Dynasties
Negro Walls in Fort Payne, AL

Orleans Express of Quebec City Walls
where the night crisp vistied smoke lungs
and Aussie gestures
Poutine Bebe Poutine
was this wall filled
when he spat on your face
covering the wall of your skin
is your skin brick mortar marble gravel or snow
Is your face filled with wall of snow

It snows back home in the wind
where the city walls divide us
from the North to the South
Side Crack Momma selling their soul
to pious men
so they can milk their calfs

a memory present

2009-10-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

last night
it was a finger prick
and stories shared
and a smile in my face

a needle vein
closer it may seem

remember him
in trains to Highland Park
and quiet silence
like rain after a thunderstorm
from Andean lineage

the quiet of my room
is the quiet my life
i wouldnt exchange
for all the money in this world

late yesterday

2009-10-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

late
they took some blood
a finger prick
and shot in my rear
the 3rd installment

rush
in dark glasses
a meeting of voice and speech
we laugh in side

behind
numbed gums needle
shaved tooth
a crown i am
tagalog all around me

on time i am
with minnesota lips
small labios
boyhood fun

almost there
aussie bitters
w portland crushes
trans he was
in movement
and unsobriety

2009-10-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

listening to this bungalow
the body planted on wooden calligraphy
looking at stories unfold
histories
millenias ago
a glass of shiraz at hand
in silent joy and reverie

it felt familiar
and new all at the same time
steel heaters whistling
in the cool winters of Irving Park
Lola's sinigang in Banawe
the bocadillo over the window in Colegio St. Jordi'
bowing down the efficiency of the Marquette campus

it felt new and familiar all at the same time

2009-10-16T00:05:00.000-07:00

pain fleets like waterfalls
down the nightsky
so when eyes awake
the fog glistens
inside my windowpane

puddles of shadow leaves
above my scalp
the humidity of torture
perspires into growth

sleep today, i can
locking walls
clouds stopping by
to say hello

last night

2009-10-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Saturnalia dropped by
some sweet Beaujolais
and shared some Fantina, Gouda and Brie
swimming in an olive kalamata loaf

an irishman brush stroked my spine
leaves falling in autumn
smoke filled bungalow
in the early 20th century

locusts looming in the rain